An Existence I Can No Longer Have

An Existence I Can No Longer Have

Master Yoda was right.

“Fear is the path to the dark side.

Fear leads to anger.

Anger leads to hate.

Hate leads to suffering.”


Well, give me my red lightsaber now.

I’ve feared for the past year since I went on medical leave (on June 10, 2016) that this day would come. That my recovery wouldn’t happen fast enough for the almighty powers that be and that my position would be posted, which occurred February 22, 2017. Which means that a day from now, a week from now, a month from now, I’ll get fired. As soon as they extend an offer to some new graduate who doesn’t know jack, I’m finished.

I’m full of anger because of this. It’s not like I didn’t know this was a likely possibility. But being told by your own department that they’ve given up on you, after so many false platitudes of “Get better soon!” “We miss you!” “You’re irreplaceable!” is enough to make me want to put my fist through a concrete wall. Or through someone’s face like I’ve wanted to for years. Or do other damaging things that I used to engage in that I have almost lost the will to fight against not doing. Oops…I slipped. Rats.

Now I’ve fully progressed to hate. I hate that institution and everything it stands for. I hate the hypocrisy of the administration and of my own department. I hate what they’ve turned my profession in to. We’re not practicing pharmacy, we’re changing every way we practice to keep accreditation boards happy, which are actually a bunch of people who have probably never practiced medicine in their lives.

What do you do when 13 years of literal blood, sweat and tears, of you giving your all, of you busting your butt for the sake of sick children and trying to save their lives…is taken away from you because of your own declining health that no one cares to recognize? That subpar health that one of the country’s “best” healthcare institutions can’t fix is going to let me go for?

“Patients first,” of course. But if that patient is an employee, nail ’em to the wall.

“Every life deserves world class care,” unless you’re an employee who happens to be chronically ill. Then we’ll just get rid of you.

It plays in my head, over and over…

“You are not adequate. You are different in a bad way. All that you are and all that you are able to do is not enough for the people you love and the society you live in.”

And hate, as we know…leads to suffering

img_1009What do I do now? I have no reason to live anymore. My purpose is gone. All because of the stupid enigma known as POTS. My hopes and dreams for my future. For being able to provide for our future kids and pay for this house. Maybe this means kids aren’t in the cards for us anymore after all.

The existence I’d wished for is mine no longer. If you need me I’ll be at the bottom of my depression hole. But bring a ladder. The first step’s a doozy.


0 thoughts on “An Existence I Can No Longer Have

  1. I can totally identify with this situation. After having an appendectomy where the chief of surgery actually left the appendix inside me giving me chronic appendicitis I had multiple admits for peritonitis. During one admission the manager of the dialysis unit where I worked called me on the phone to tell me they were posting my position. I was devastated. Thanks to the psychiatrist who was treating me I did not get out of bed and go down to the dialysis unit and punch out several people. I made it through second opinions from doctors under the control of the chief of surgery who agreed with him that I was not really ill. Finally I found a gastroenterologist and a surgeon who did a hemicolectomy and I healed physically. Luckily for me there are numerous branches of nursing. I got a “desk job” working in the health insurance industry. In many later years after struggling with the chronic illness of Lupus I was ” laid off” when our company was bought out. I absolutely was physically finished. I was having flares continually and I applied for Social Security Disability. I was granted disability. This was actually an embarrassment to me but I knew I had earned this and knew this chronic illness was not going away. I have been able to adapt to not working and no longer feel bad about forced retirement. I fill my days with what can give me joy or if I am flaring I can now rest without guilt.
    You are so very eloquent and aware. Take your journals and write a book about what you have survived and experienced so you can still give and help others who are suffering what you have endured. Hopefully your brain fog can lift for you to edit and create something that will still allow you to still give medically. For now write. Put down your anger and frustrations on paper. Write down what were your frustrations with your job and your ideas on how they could have been fixed. The hospital unfortunately is a business. They need a working pharmacist and while you are not able to, the work remains to be done. I’m sure the decision to let you go was a difficult thing for the person that had to be the messenger. I always tried no matter how hard it was to remember that when a door is closed a window is opened. I hope this message helps and does not sound contrite. You have legitimate anger and hurt right now. Try to purge this in a non self inflicted painful way. Your worth is truly beyond measure.

  2. I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now. Don’t listen to the voice of Satan who wants you to despair! It’s ok to be angry and depressed but don’t take it out on yourself. God loves you and He still has a plan and purpose for you. Lean on Him! <3

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