Nocturnal Musings #23: Out of Hell

I have to go there today.

That place.

That hospital of which I am deeply afraid.

For a follow-up visit with my endocrinologist to check my prolactin to make sure my tumor is still in check, even though my MRI from two months ago (7 months post-op) was clear.

I can already smell the smells. Starbucks, of all things. Alcohol wipes. Plastic tubing. Fluid bags from patients going for walks. I can smell a TPN fifty yards away. Occupational hazard.

I can already see the blindingly white walls and stainless steel everything that provide zero comfort to a terrified patient. And possibly a need for sunglasses.

I can already hear the ever-present music that is supposed to be soothing playing over hidden speakers. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #23: Out of Hell”

Share Your World: June 26, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

What goal are you working on now? Your goal can be something fun or extremely serious. Have fun with this question. Trying to live as normal a life as possible given my chronic illnesses. It’s become more of a challenge as time goes on. I hate the term “new normal” because there’s nothing normal about the way my illnesses are making me live, so I’m trying to not look at it that way. Continue reading “Share Your World: June 26, 2017”

Friends, Can You Help Me?

I’ll try to keep this short and sweet so as to not burden anyone.

I need help from you, my faithful readers.

The brain fog caused by one of my medical conditions, POTS, a form of dysautonomia, has made it monumentally difficult for me to think. It’s like…my thoughts won’t connect, or certain parts of my brain won’t talk to each other. I can almost feel this void in the middle of my head, like a bridge is out over a river. I can feel an idea, or a sentence starting somewhere, but then it doesn’t get to where it needs to go, and it never materializes. I feel as though I’m stuck with all of these thoughts bouncing around in my head, but they won’t come out or even come to fruition.

I’m not using this as an excuse for my less than stellar writing as of late or for my general lack of writing altogether. I just can’t come up with anything that I think would be worth anyone’s while to read. So I’ve stopped writing. Or I’ll write something and immediately trash it because it’s not of a high enough standard for me to release to all of you.

So here’s where I need your help.

  1. If you have anything about any of our specific disease states (and this is being cross-posted, so this means endometriosis, adenomyosis, POTS and dysautonomia, that stupid brain tumor, celiac disease, depression, social anxiety, infertility, etc) that you would like to see a blog post written about, please comment and let me know! I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to get a post out of it, but I’ll give it a good college try.
  2. Is there anything regarding myself you’d be more interested in knowing about? I will answer questions about almost anything, while maintaining privacy where appropriate.
  3. My blog does better the more followers I have. So instead of having to scroll through Facebook and hope to stumble across one of my posts, I invite you to go to the About page of my blog, scroll down to where it says “Follow Blog By E-mail,” and sign up! You will receive an e-mail only when I post, and no spam! If you happen to have a WordPress account, you can sign up using that too.
  4. If you have a blog and want to share, feel free to comment and leave a link so we know about each other’s blogs! It’s best to encourage and inspire each other, not to mention providing support to each other because of what we’re going through.

I really just need a spark to light the fuse in my brain somewhere. I’ve been trying and trying and can’t get through this brain fog. It’s made me want to quit blogging, and I’m very close to doing just that because I can’t deliver quality blog posts to you, my dear readers, anymore. For that, I am sorry.

If you can do anything to help me out, don’t hesitate to suggest an idea. You all are what makes this blog possible and meaningful, not me. That’s why I need your help to get me off the floor and get my brain working again.

I don’t want to quit blogging. But if I just stay like this and don’t move forward soon, I’ll have no choice. Please help me to not let that happen.

I love you all.

💛ribbonrx

Abandoning the Dream

Seven years ago, I graduated from pharmacy school with my doctor of pharmacy degree.

Seven years ago, I moved to a new city as a newlywed, fresh back from our honeymoon.

And seven years ago today, June 14th, I started my career as a pediatric pharmacist. My dream job.

And now I wonder…was there even a point?


We started off as children. Teenagers right out of high school dedicating ourselves to a highly esteemed profession, one which consistently ranks very high among the most trusted professions in the United States.

IMG_1317
Freshman roommate babies! (October 2004)

Continue reading “Abandoning the Dream”

Share Your World: June 12, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

What do you do when you’re not working? If you are retired, what do you that is not part of your regular daytime routine? Due to my illnesses, I am unable to work at the age of 31. I hate it and I’m ashamed of it. And I have no children to take care of because my body is a traitor. So what do I do now? I write, both on my blog and in my journal. I read. I listen to music. That’s it. Continue reading “Share Your World: June 12, 2017”

Is My Illness My Fault?

For me, 2016 was the year of the surgeries and bizarre diagnoses. Three surgeries, to be exact, spanning over a period of four months. Once the surgeries were over, I thought that once I had an adequate recovery period, I would be back to normal. I’d be able to return to work, from which I’d had to take an extended leave of absence, and I could put the entire year behind me as a gargantuan fluke.

But it was not to be. Almost exactly a month to the day after my third surgery, I started experiencing symptoms that very quickly led to a diagnosis of postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS). The tachycardia (rapid heart rate), shortness of breath, and presyncope (near fainting) were being caused by moderate hypovolemia (testing revealed my blood volume to be 18% below normal) and severe venous pooling (35% of my blood volume was pooling in my lower extremities; this number should be 5-10% in a normal person with quick resolution within two to three heartbeats).

Why did this suddenly happen? POTS has been linked to certain autoimmune diseases (including celiac disease, just my luck) and has been noted to occur following such events as pregnancy and trauma. However, medical science does not yet know why POTS happens. So what was going on with me? Continue reading “Is My Illness My Fault?”

Share Your World: June 5, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

image
After surgery, when I couldn’t smell anything!

What’s your strongest sense? Smell. (I must have been a dog or cat in a past life.) Many of my memories are based on smells. It was so weird after my brain surgery when I couldn’t smell anything at all for a week or two because the tumor was removed through my nose. And it wasn’t just like when you have a cold and can’t smell anything, this was a total, complete loss of the sense. I was lucky to get it back so quickly; many people experience a loss for months to a year! And it affects your sense of taste, too…I didn’t want to eat at all because what’s the point of eating if you can’t even remotely taste or smell your food? My husband had to practically force-feed me. Continue reading “Share Your World: June 5, 2017”