Things We Lost in the Fire

“Things we lost to the flame
Things we’ll never see again
All that we’ve amassed
Sits before us, shattered into ash…”

Things We Lost in the Fire (Bastille)

 

IMG_1123As Esther Smith said in her excellent book, When Chronic Pain and Illness Take Everything Away, “Grief is the process by which we actively release all that we feel, question, and remember at the feet of God and the people He has placed in our lives.”

At the end of the second chapter, she poses some questions that have me wrestling with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings towards God. Questioning God isn’t a bad thing. In fact, He encourages us to come to Him with our questions, fears, or doubts. If you’ve ever read Psalms, you know this to be true!

As part of my grief process, I am going to share my answers to the questions, as you all are the people God has placed in my life. I assume the intention of that is to find help through grief from a different perspective than God’s. Continue reading “Things We Lost in the Fire”

Nocturnal Musings #20: Junk

No sleep for me. I’ve turned nocturnal again recently. But that’s not the main reason I’m awake right now.

I was awake for 30 hours straight the other day. No idea why, I just didn’t want to sleep. So yesterday I then slept for 20 hours. This got me doubly dehydrated, despite drinking a total of a liter of water throughout the day during my brief awakenings. (Although now my body laughs at such a puny amount of water!) I’ve now been awake for eight hours, but still feel awful. It would probably be dangerous for me to go to sleep now without being fully hydrated. So I’m awake still, trying to catch up.

Staring at the wall. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #20: Junk”

Nocturnal Musings #19: The Things You Learn

I’m awake since I feel a bit sick right now. Nausea has become a fairly common occurrence during my days now, likely from all the salt tablets I’m ingesting…and all the food I’m not ingesting. I really don’t care, either.

So, it’s been a bit since I really updated at all because I’ve been reblogging my endometriosis-related posts this month to spread awareness. But what else have I been up to? Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #19: The Things You Learn”

An Existence I Can No Longer Have

Master Yoda was right.

“Fear is the path to the dark side.

Fear leads to anger.

Anger leads to hate.

Hate leads to suffering.”

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Well, give me my red lightsaber now.

I’ve feared for the past year since I went on medical leave (on June 10, 2016) that this day would come. That my recovery wouldn’t happen fast enough for the almighty powers that be and that my position would be posted, Continue reading “An Existence I Can No Longer Have”

An Existence I Don’t Want

I feel down. I can’t stand this brain fog. It’s probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and one of the worst parts of dysautonomia/POTS. I’m used to having a sharp, functioning mind that could multi-task. Now I’ll think of something, get out of bed, and then not be able to remember why I got out of bed. I can’t really have thoughtful conversation, even when I’m talking to David. I’ll be talking and then stop mid-sentence. After about 15 seconds, David will ask, “Is your brain fogging?” And I just nod, sad and quiet. Additionally, I can’t write very well anymore, which is why I haven’t posted any original material in awhile.

I almost don’t recognize myself anymore. Continue reading “An Existence I Don’t Want”

One Lovely Blog Award

What a treat to be nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award on Valentine’s Day! Thank you spooniemom (aka Tracy) at Me, My Spoons, and I for the nomination! I am honored! Tracy has been fighting an as yet undiagnosed chronic illness for a long time. She is a true spoonie warrior! (You all need to check out her blog and her awesome Etsy store, The Spoonique Boutique! Love the candles but haven’t had a chance to try out the shower steamers or scrubs yet!)

The Rules:

1- Thank the person that nominated you and leave a link to their blog

2- Post about the award

3- Share seven facts about yourself

4- Nominate other people (15 at most)

5- Tell your nominees the good news

About Me:

  1. I’m a lover of Jesus. He is my everything. Without Him, I’d probably be dead. That being said, before some of you stop reading, these are just my beliefs. I believe in Jesus Christ, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to push my beliefs on anyone else. Everyone has the freedom to make their own choices, and I love you (and so does Jesus) regardless of what those choices are.img_0974
  2. I’m a book-a-holic and I have been since my parents first started reading to me when I was itty bitty.
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    My TBR shelf!

    I was reading Nancy Drew books by the time I was seven. In middle school, I used to read around 30 books a summer. Now I’m back into reading again after a long hiatus (aka six years of college and then my career) and I’m loving it.

  3. I have lots of chronic illnesses (see my About page), but my most recent diagnosis is dysautonomia/POTS. It sucks. I hate it. It’s mean and spiteful.img_0776
  4. I had a brain tumor last year that was removed through my nose. Although I would have picked that over any other method, it was just as unpleasant as it sounds.design
  5. Due to my dysautonomia and associated brain fog, (seriously, it’s debilitating), I have to write down everything in a planner, otherwise I forget to do it.fullsizerender
  6. I marched on Washington to raise awareness for endometriosis before it was cool to march on Washington, haha.image
  7. I have seven cats. They all love snuggling on the bed with me and the electric blankie. Can you find all of them in the picture?img_1864

Nominees:

💛ribbonrx

Trapped Inside My Own Mind

via Daily Prompt: Heard

What do you do when you feel you’re not being heard?

By family?

By friends?

By God?

I don’t think it’s their fault.

It’s not their fault.

It’s my fault.

My mind is such a foggy mess right now. It’s like there’s a short somewhere, or a connection that’s gone bad.

I have all these things I want to say, I need to say, but I can’t think of what they are. I feel as though I’m going to explode with thoughts that can’t even come to fruition. Continue reading “Trapped Inside My Own Mind”