A Quality-of-Life Update

I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve written a real post. Since it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month, I’ve been trying to reblog my better endo-related posts to raise awareness at a time when it’s most important. You can check out my new endo-specific page here, with information, expanding resources, and links to my blog posts. It’s pretty and has that new-page smell! ๐Ÿ˜Š๐ŸŽ—

I guess, when it comes down to it, I’ve been using this month to hide. From myself, from the world. Some good things and some not-so-good things have happened, which you would know if you read any of my weekly Monday “Share Your World” posts. (But the vast majority of people who read those are people who don’t actually know me, so what do the finer details of my life matter to them?)

I’m on this merry-go-round that happens to be a roller coaster at the same time. And I really want to get off it so I can puke (no, really, I am actually uncomfortably nauseous right now, but it’s become a constant part of my life, too, so whatever.) Or at least purge…something. Continue reading “A Quality-of-Life Update”

Share Your World- March 20, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Ceeโ€™s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

How old would you be if you didnโ€™t know how old you are? This is a very interesting question. Do I not know how old I am because I am ignorant of the concept of time? Or because I am a Time Lord? (Should I open that fob watch…?) If I were ignorant of the concept of time, I would not be any age, because I wouldn’t know that there are numbers associated with the passage of time. It would be like what heaven will be like: eternity, where time doesn’t pass, it justย is. Continue reading “Share Your World- March 20, 2017”

“O, You of Little Faith…”

via Daily Prompt: Doubt

“…why did you doubt?”

Right now I’m full of doubt.

What a cliche beginning.

And yet, it is the truth.

I can’t predict the future. I don’t know what the Lord has in store for me. He’s started dropping hints again after a week’s silence following what happened just recently, which likely means something is going to happen again.

You doubt, don’t you? Let me tell you a story. Continue reading ““O, You of Little Faith…””

Nocturnal Musings #18: A New Me?

I haven’t done one of these in awhile. My last one was in December, I believe. Even in two short months, my life has changed a great deal. Not for the better, unfortunately. And since I’m having some painsomnia along with my general refusal to sleep at night for the most part anymore, I guess I may as well talk about it to some more sympathetic ears than I’ve been getting the past few days.

I lost my job last week. I understand why, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. My FMLA ran out last June, after which point my job was unprotected; they could have gotten rid of me then. Instead, they gave me as much time as they could for me to get well enough to return to work, which I failed to do twice, once in October, and again in January, when I was diagnosed with POTS. (Here’s a bit of what a day in my life looks like now thanks to POTS, except I pretty much stay in bed now.)

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My life now. Not as nearly as enjoyable as it looks. (The smile was for my mom.) I would give almost anything to be able to get up and do things for more than 5 minutes!

But anyway, now it’s prime recruiting season at the hospital and I’m not naive enough to think they would keep me any longer. They’d rather replace me with a new residency graduate who has some clinical knowledge, but has absolutely no idea how to actuallyย beย a pharmacist.

Although I don’t feel quite as bad sometimes when I think about what a literal revolving door my specific tiny department within an enormous department is. And it is a tiny department, with something like a dozen pharmacists total for a 24/7 operation. But since 2010, the year I started working there, I’m 99% certain, if my list is correct, that I am the 20th pharmacist to leave. In seven years.

img_1910Yet my emotions are still very raw. I keep crying periodically. Ok fine, I cry a lot. I want to scream and throw things and then go to bed and never wake up. I’m back in what I call my depression hole; I have periods where I just won’t talk and will only communicate via head movements or shrugs because I feel if I open my mouth to speak, I’ll fall apart. I took the picture on the right immediately after I found out so I’ll always remember how much it hurt.

So now the big question is, what do I do with myself now? Honestly, if I ever get well, I don’t know that I have the intention of reapplying in the future or to ever practice pharmacy again. What a waste of six years of education. I was never a good pharmacist in my opinion anyway.

But David and I had a heart to heart Friday night between us and God. We came to the conclusion that I’m basically going to start my life all over again. I’ve been through so much in the past year (or even really the past four years starting with my celiac disease diagnosis, then the endometriosis…) Between all my diagnoses, my surgeries, trying to get better on a deadline when my body wasn’t ready, being stressed out by that, getting worse, and so on, it’s finally time to take my foot off the accelerator. I’m setting intentional goals that I (hope) I am capable of and can work towards.design

  • Not thinking about work or a return date or ever going back there ever again.
  • Do my cardiac rehab to the best of my ability in an effort to improve my POTS, and therefore my quality of life.
  • Do things I want to do that will make me happy.
    • Writing
    • Reading
    • Blogging
    • Studying the Word
    • Listening to music
  • Take baby steps towards normalizing my life.
  • David will encourage me and I will encourage him.
  • Focus a bit on getting the house cleaned up.

So, really, living my life the way I ย want to, with as little stress as possible to maybe help promote faster healing. No deadlines.

A new me.

I started life over again in 2004 when I started pharmacy school, leaving behind my old life of dance and musical theater.

I started life over again in 2010 when I graduated from pharmacy school, got married, moved, passed my boards, and started my career.

And I’m starting my life over again in 2017 when my health is in shambles and my pharmacy career is over.

We’ll see where the road takes me. But after all I’ve been through, I can only hope it’ll be to a happier place.

๐Ÿ’›ribbonrx

 

An Existence I Can No Longer Have

Master Yoda was right.

“Fear is the path to the dark side.

Fear leads to anger.

Anger leads toย hate.

Hate leads to suffering.”

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Well, give me my red lightsaber now.

I’ve feared for the past year since I went on medical leave (on June 10, 2016) that this day would come. That my recovery wouldn’t happen fast enough for the almighty powers that be and that my position would be posted, Continue reading “An Existence I Can No Longer Have”

One Lovely Blog Award

What a treat to be nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award on Valentine’s Day! Thank you spooniemom (aka Tracy) at Me, My Spoons, and I for the nomination! I am honored! Tracy has been fighting an as yet undiagnosed chronic illness for a long time. She is a true spoonie warrior! (You all need to check out her blog and her awesome Etsy store, The Spoonique Boutique! Love the candles but haven’t had a chance to try out the shower steamers or scrubs yet!)

The Rules:

1- Thank the person that nominated you and leave a link to their blog

2- Post about the award

3- Share seven facts about yourself

4- Nominate other people (15 at most)

5- Tell your nominees the good news

About Me:

  1. I’m a lover of Jesus. He is my everything. Without Him, I’d probably be dead. That being said, before some of you stop reading, these are just my beliefs. I believe in Jesus Christ, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to push my beliefs on anyone else. Everyone has the freedom to make their own choices, and I love you (and so does Jesus) regardless of what those choices are.img_0974
  2. I’m a book-a-holic and I have been since my parents first started reading to me when I was itty bitty.
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    My TBR shelf!

    I was reading Nancy Drew books by the time I was seven. In middle school, I used to read around 30 books a summer. Now I’m back into reading again after a long hiatus (aka six years of college and then my career) and I’m loving it.

  3. I have lots of chronic illnesses (see my About page), but my most recent diagnosis is dysautonomia/POTS. It sucks. I hate it. It’s mean and spiteful.img_0776
  4. I had a brain tumor last year that was removed through my nose. Although I would have picked that over any other method, it was just as unpleasant as it sounds.design
  5. Due to my dysautonomia and associated brain fog, (seriously, it’s debilitating), I have to write down everything in a planner, otherwise I forget to do it.fullsizerender
  6. I marched on Washington to raise awareness for endometriosis before it was cool to march on Washington, haha.image
  7. I have seven cats. They all love snuggling on the bed with me and the electric blankie. Can you find all of them in the picture?img_1864

Nominees:

๐Ÿ’›ribbonrx

Share Your World- February 6, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

Regarding your fridge, is it organized or a mess inside? An absolute mess. Ever play Tetris with food? Continue reading “Share Your World- February 6, 2017”