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When Your Depression Is Invalidated

When Your Depression Is Invalidated

One of the worst feelings you can experience as a chronically ill person is invalidation. It’s not necessarily that others don’t believe you (although that is also a tremendous problem and a discussion for another time), but that they either don’t see or don’t understand how much your illness(es) impact your daily life. Especially when mental health plays a role in your battles. And what makes it even more frustrating? When that invalidation comes from healthcare professionals. When, to their…

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She Told Me I Was Beautiful

She Told Me I Was Beautiful

And now she’s dead. Back up. This post contains discussions of untimely death and suicide. Please stay safe and steer clear if these subjects may be triggering for you. One of the interesting things about having chronic illness(es) is how your friendships change. In many unfortunate cases, people who were once your friends fade into the background. Sometimes it’s because they’re uncomfortable being around someone who is ill. Or maybe they don’t like the new version of this person they…

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Things We Lost in the Fire

Things We Lost in the Fire

“Things we lost to the flame Things we’ll never see again All that we’ve amassed Sits before us, shattered into ash…” Things We Lost in the Fire (Bastille)   As Esther Smith said in her excellent book, When Chronic Pain and Illness Take Everything Away, “Grief is the process by which we actively release all that we feel, question, and remember at the feet of God and the people He has placed in our lives.” At the end of the second…

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In Which People I’ve Never Met Become My Friends

In Which People I’ve Never Met Become My Friends

I’ve always been a difficult person to be friends with. And I’m not easy to love. Although life didn’t start out that way. One day in pre-school, my mom was shocked to see me sitting at a table with all the little boys in the class crowding around me, the only girl at the table. If only I had such admiration ten years later! In all seriousness, I think a lot of my friend-making difficulty stems from my social anxiety,…

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Nocturnal Musings #18: A New Me?

Nocturnal Musings #18: A New Me?

I haven’t done one of these in awhile. My last one was in December, I believe. Even in two short months, my life has changed a great deal. Not for the better, unfortunately. And since I’m having some painsomnia along with my general refusal to sleep at night for the most part anymore, I guess I may as well talk about it to some more sympathetic ears than I’ve been getting the past few days. I lost my job last…

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An Existence I Can No Longer Have

An Existence I Can No Longer Have

Master Yoda was right. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Well, give me my red lightsaber now. I’ve feared for the past year since I went on medical leave (on June 10, 2016) that this day would come. That my recovery wouldn’t happen fast enough for the almighty powers that be and that my position would be posted,

An Existence I Don’t Want

An Existence I Don’t Want

I feel down. I can’t stand this brain fog. It’s probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and one of the worst parts of dysautonomia/POTS. I’m used to having a sharp, functioning mind that could multi-task. Now I’ll think of something, get out of bed, and then not be able to remember why I got out of bed. I can’t really have thoughtful conversation, even when I’m talking to David. I’ll be talking and then stop…

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Trapped Inside My Own Mind

Trapped Inside My Own Mind

via Daily Prompt: Heard What do you do when you feel you’re not being heard? By family? By friends? By God? I don’t think it’s their fault. It’s not their fault. It’s my fault. My mind is such a foggy mess right now. It’s like there’s a short somewhere, or a connection that’s gone bad. I have all these things I want to say, I need to say, but I can’t think of what they are. I feel as though I’m…

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Can’t I Just Be “Whelmed”?

Can’t I Just Be “Whelmed”?

via Daily Prompt: Overwhelming It doesn’t take a psychiatrist to figure out that right now my life is exceptionally overwhelming. I thought I’d gone through a lot last year, which I did. Unfortunately, it appears, at least so far, that 2017 is turning out to be a real stinker as well. And we’re only a month in! Maybe listing everything I’m overwhelmed about will help. I’ll try to make this as coherent as possible. However, between this perpetual brainfog and…

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