I’m not quite sure I’ve gone this long without updating my blog before, even after my multiple surgeries last year. This week has been a weird one, though, and I just haven’t felt like writing. Probably because of my rebellion that kind of ended up going sideways.
Hubby was out of town presenting at an emergency medicine conference in Orlando, so I’ve been alone with the cats all week. They’re used to me being home all the time, but not to him being gone. Surprisingly, I didn’t oversleep any of those days, except perhaps today.
But last week, I just suddenly got so sick of being sick. I wanted to pretend that I was normal. Or maybe I was trying to convince myself that I’m not as sick as I appear to be. So I rebelled.
This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!
How many languages do you you speak? Two. Like the vast majority of American kids, I took Spanish in high school, but I don’t remember enough to really speak it. I especially realized this when my husband and I traveled to Honduras in 2012 to meet our sponsor child through Compassion International, Heybi. When we met, I did ok to start but then got nervous and promptly forgot all the Spanish I knew. Thank goodness we had personal translators with us. I remember at one point, the translator had gone to the bathroom, and I tried, out of necessity, to say something to Heybi’s mother and I conjugated the verb wrong (not a big deal; I said “No necesitan” instead of “No necesitamos.”) I corrected myself and managed to mumble a “Lo siento,” but she just smiled, chuckled, and hugged me for trying.
And I speak fluent cat. Meow.
I guess I dabbled in ASL (American Sign Language) as a child; I used to be able to sign the Pledge of Allegiance. I remember the alphabet and the sign for “flag.” And I can sign the following (known as “Awesome God/Omega”) from my time in a Christian vocal group in college: “Our God is an awesome God; He reigns from heaven above; With wisdom, power, and love, our God is an awesome God. May the grace of our Lord be with you now and always, may you stay blameless ’til He comes. May the love of our Lord be with you now and always, may you stay blameless ’til He comes.” To see the song, view the following video from a “Beauty and the Geek” chapel event in February 2007. Bonus points if you can find me, lol.
One more time around the sun, one more time passing through National Infertility Awareness Week as an unintentionally childless woman. I guess you could say this is my third time.
It’s an understatement to say that a lot has gotten in the way of my attempts to become a mom.
In 2014, not long after we had starting trying to get pregnant, my battle with endometriosis took the forefront. Within a span of six months, I was hospitalized, diagnosed, and had two surgeries, one of which was out of state with an excision specialist. Then recovery began, and our efforts to get pregnant resumed in 2015.
I’ve always been a difficult person to be friends with. And I’m not easy to love.
Although life didn’t start out that way. One day in pre-school, my mom was shocked to see me sitting at a table with all the little boys in the class crowding around me, the only girl at the table. If only I had such admiration ten years later!
In all seriousness, I think a lot of my friend-making difficulty stems from my social anxiety, which started baring its teeth around the age of nine. There were really a lot of people who didn’t like me for reasons explained in that post, and it scarred me for life. I still remember the torment and how it made me feel. I was always the smart one, not the pretty one, and brains didn’t earn you many friends. Middle school and high school were awful for obvious reasons, so I was thrilled to go to college over 400 miles away from home where I didn’t know a soul. Friendships were much easier to maintain there because everyone was starting on a clean slate.
But it’s now been almost seven years since I graduated from pharmacy school. I’m almost seven years into my career. But for the past ten months, I’ve been on medical leave in order to have and recover from three surgeries in a four-month period: hernia repair, brain tumor removal, and aneurysm stenting. However, just as I was about to go back to work, POTS happened, likely as a result of all those surgeries. And having POTS sucks incredibly. It’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
I’m awake since I feel a bit sick right now. Nausea has become a fairly common occurrence during my days now, likely from all the salt tablets I’m ingesting…and all the food I’m not ingesting. I really don’t care, either.
I can’t predict the future. I don’t know what the Lord has in store for me. He’s started dropping hints again after a week’s silence following what happened just recently, which likely means something is going to happen again.
I’ve feared for the past year since I went on medical leave (on June 10, 2016) that this day would come. That my recovery wouldn’t happen fast enough for the almighty powers that be and that my position would be posted, Continue reading “An Existence I Can No Longer Have”