*May contain triggers for domestic violence*

I can’t seem to focus on anything today. Granted, I slept until 4:30 pm because I didn’t go to bed until 5:30 am, so it’s not like I’ve been awake all that long. But there are so many things going through my mind, it’s like a tornado in there.

So what’s bothering me? This is probably going to wind up being an extremely stream of consciousness post, so I apologize in advance.

I’m still rattled by the whole issue with the domestic violence against my endo sister. I’m not naive enough to think it can’t happen to anyone. In fact, it’s quite rampant. In the one endo group that this all started in, with nearly 2,000 members, there were so many women commenting that they themselves had been victims of abuse in the past. Emotional. Mental. Physical. Sexual. You name it. So. Many. I think it’s part of the reason we did everything as “well” as we did. Those women who had been victims were able to point out the warning signs in the so-called “rescue post” posted by the perpetrator to throw us off. As a result, we didn’t give up. Even though I had been told by the police that they had spoken to the woman twice, some group members weren’t as convinced that the woman hadn’t been coerced into making a phone call to the police (especially since the perpetrator knew we had contacted the police) and wanted proof of physical contact between the woman and the police. This was based on their own unfortunate experiences of what lengths abusers can go to to maintain control of their victim. It took a total of seven phone calls to the police, between four different sisters, for them to finally relent and tell us for certain she was safe. I think they got tired of us pestering them, to be honest.

This sounds silly, but I’m actually…I don’t think proud is the right word, but more encouraged by my own abilities as a result of the part I played in dealing with this situation. Because of my social anxiety, I avoid talking on the phone at all costs. I will never initiate a phone call unless it is unavoidable. And interacting with members of authority can be quite traumatizing to me. But of those seven phone calls to the police, four of them were mine. When it came down to it, I knew I had to do it. Someone had to notify the police of the possible addresses some super-sleuthing group members had found. But at 4 am, most of the ladies who were trying to assist were in the UK or other areas of Europe. I was one of the only Americans awake, and I was actually the closest to the situation geographically among the few Americans there were available. Despite my anxiety, I mustered all my feelings together: my love for this woman as a fellow endo sister and anger at the perpetrator who was abusing her. I had to do it. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had just decided to go to bed instead and no one else called the police and something even worse had happened.

And now for something entirely different….

My brain surgery is this week. It is in three days. I’m glad I had something to take my mind off it for a whole day, despite the horror of the situation. But now the surgery is back at the forefront of my mind. I was nervous about it before, but with this aneurysm now at play, the more appropriate word now would be terrified. There was a 50% chance of the surgery being cancelled due to the danger now posed by the aneurysm. A flip of a coin could have made the decision. And even though the decision to proceed was made after several knowledgeable and skillful surgeons consulted one another, I’m still scared out of my mind. I trust the surgeons, but all the trust in the world can’t prevent the worst from happening by accident.

But let’s list the positives of what having this surgery could do.

• End the dizziness and vertigo, assuming they’re being caused by the tumor.
• Even though I’ve only had two migraines since stopping the medication, they were two of the worst I’ve ever had. Maybe any future migraines will be milder.
• Restoration of my fertility, once the tumor is removed and my prolactin level returns to normal. Obviously, this means possibly BABIES!
• Being able to return to work.

But of course, where there are positives, there are negatives.

• The aneurysm blows and I have a stroke.
• There is only a 70% chance of the tumor not coming back, so it could regrow.
• Damage to the pituitary gland, requiring more medications, possibly for life.
• I think anything but a successful surgery will be damaging to my mental health. I’ve been dealing with the effects of the tumor for 9 months now and I need to catch a break sometime soon.

Sigh. The next three days are going to be a challenge. Maybe I’ll feel better about things after my appointments Tuesday, when I’ll have my final meeting with my neurosurgeon’s nurse and I’ll meet the ENT surgeon.

I’m trying to take comfort in a passage from my quiet time earlier today.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…

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