In Which People I’ve Never Met Become My Friends

I’ve always been a difficult person to be friends with. And I’m not easy to love.

Although life didn’t start out that way. One day in pre-school, my mom was shocked to see me sitting at a table with all the little boys in the class crowding around me, the only girl at the table. If only I had such admiration ten years later!

In all seriousness, I think a lot of my friend-making difficulty stems from my social anxiety, which started baring its teeth around the age of nine. There were really a lot of people who didn’t like me for reasons explained in that post, and it scarred me for life. I still remember the torment and how it made me feel. I was always the smart one, not the pretty one, and brains didn’t earn you many friends. Middle school and high school were awful for obvious reasons, so I was thrilled to go to college over 400 miles away from home where I didn’t know a soul. Friendships were much easier to maintain there because everyone was starting on a clean slate.

But it’s now been almost seven years since I graduated from pharmacy school. I’m almost seven years into my career. But for the past ten months, I’ve been on medical leave in order to have and recover from three surgeries in a four-month period: hernia repair, brain tumor removal, and aneurysm stenting. However, just as I was about to go back to work, POTS happened, likely as a result of all those surgeries. And having POTS sucks incredibly. It’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

But what does this have to do with friendship?

Everything. Continue reading “In Which People I’ve Never Met Become My Friends”

Share Your World: Ribbonrx Edition: April 3, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Unfortunately, Cee has been ill and wasn’t able to prepare the challenge questions for this week, but fear not! I pulled out some questions from a journal prompt I did last week that fits the bill! So, onward!

What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? I guess it depends on how old-fashioned you’re talking about. I love modern technology; the easier it makes my life, the better. But I guess I prefer writing things down on a paper calendar or planner as opposed to using Google calendar or something along those lines. I think it looks better and it’s easier to see the big picture. (Plus my Happy Planner is so pretty!)

IMG_1976
This week’s spread in my Happy Planner!

Continue reading “Share Your World: Ribbonrx Edition: April 3, 2017”

Share Your World- March 20, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? This is a very interesting question. Do I not know how old I am because I am ignorant of the concept of time? Or because I am a Time Lord? (Should I open that fob watch…?) If I were ignorant of the concept of time, I would not be any age, because I wouldn’t know that there are numbers associated with the passage of time. It would be like what heaven will be like: eternity, where time doesn’t pass, it just is. Continue reading “Share Your World- March 20, 2017”

Have Yourself a Spoonie Little Christmas

Even though I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2014, I have to say this Christmas will really be my first as a true spoonie. (Not sure what I mean when I say spoonie? Check it out here to learn about the Spoon Theory.) 2016 added a whole mountain range of problems to my health history, all of which I’ve had to climb to overcome. (And considering the Grand Canyon fiasco from 2013, I don’t have the greatest climbing skills…but that’s another blog post someday.)

Even just preparing for Christmas as a spoonie is a huge challenge. Continue reading “Have Yourself a Spoonie Little Christmas”

Pre-Op Day…Again!

Having three surgeries in four months makes for a lot of pre-op testing. Today was pre-op day for surgery number three in 2016-placement of the Pipeline Embolization Device for my aneurysm.

The day began far too early. I went to bed at midnight because my first appointment was at 8:15 am. Unfortunately, I woke up at 3:30 am and couldn’t fall back asleep. I tried going upstairs at 5 am to snuggle with my black kitty Luna on “her” bed, (anyone else have a queen-sized bed their cat has claimed as their own?) but still I lay there awake. I almost cried when my alarm went off at 6:45 am. And of course, I still managed to be late getting out of bed. I ended up getting up when I wanted to leave. Oops. But I just barely made it in time by speeding and parking in a different parking garage than I was planning to, which cut out a 15-minute walk. Continue reading “Pre-Op Day…Again!”

Identity Crisis

I once had a coworker tell me, “We just want the old Laura back.” It was at a time earlier this year when I went on my first continuous leave from work in the hopes that the rest would break the cycle of migraines I had found myself in. Everyone knew that something was wrong and that I wasn’t my usual self. What no one knew then was that it was the beginning of something far more insidious that I am still dealing with the effects of today.

What was the old Laura like? She was dedicated to her job and tried to make her coworkers laugh to release the tension that comes from working with sick kids. She wouldn’t take a break unless all the work was done, which led to sacrificing dinner almost every single shift. She would pick up overtime when we were short-staffed. She was reliable and felt like she was a valuable part of a team.

But the old Laura is gone. The point of no return has been passed and she’s likely never coming back. Yet the new Laura struggles every day to try to figure out who she is and where she belongs in the world now. Continue reading “Identity Crisis”

Look Back at Me

Trigger warning: depression and self harm

Last night was a rough night. Not as bad as it could have been. Just some tears and feeling sorry for myself. It’s always worst late at night, especially after David goes to bed (I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve gone to bed before him in the past 6 1/2 years of marriage.)

I filled up a couple pages in my journal with my feelings, since writing it all down helps me to process it. (Plus I had extra time thanks to setting the clocks back an hour!) But then I reached a point in my thinking where I didn’t know what to do. Continue reading “Look Back at Me”