Share Your World- March 27, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Ceeโ€™s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

Does your first or middle name have any significance (or were you named after another family member)? My first name, no. My middle name is my mother’s first name (same with my brother; his middle name is my father’s first name.)

Music or silence while working? It really depends on what I’m doing and what kind of mood I’m in. I have music on right now and I generally do while I’m blogging. But while I’m writing in my journal, I’m a bit more introspective, so I prefer silence. If I happen to be doing anything else, like folding laundry, I like music to be on. Continue reading “Share Your World- March 27, 2017”

A Quality-of-Life Update

I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve written a real post. Since it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month, I’ve been trying to reblog my better endo-related posts to raise awareness at a time when it’s most important. You can check out my new endo-specific page here, with information, expanding resources, and links to my blog posts. It’s pretty and has that new-page smell! ๐Ÿ˜Š๐ŸŽ—

I guess, when it comes down to it, I’ve been using this month to hide. From myself, from the world. Some good things and some not-so-good things have happened, which you would know if you read any of my weekly Monday “Share Your World” posts. (But the vast majority of people who read those are people who don’t actually know me, so what do the finer details of my life matter to them?)

I’m on this merry-go-round that happens to be a roller coaster at the same time. And I really want to get off it so I can puke (no, really, I am actually uncomfortably nauseous right now, but it’s become a constant part of my life, too, so whatever.) Or at least purge…something. Continue reading “A Quality-of-Life Update”

Share Your World- March 13, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Ceeโ€™s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?ย Not usually. There was one particular elevator at work where the buttons wouldn’t light up when you pushed the button on the second floor, so sometimes I would push it more than once…just in case…and sometimes if I had to run to a code on a different floor (and trust me, the stairs would have been slower), I would be internally panicking, so I would take it out on the elevator button. And no, I don’t believe it makes the elevator faster. Continue reading “Share Your World- March 13, 2017”

Nocturnal Musings #19: The Things You Learn

I’m awake since I feel a bit sick right now. Nausea has become a fairly common occurrence during my days now, likely from all the salt tablets I’m ingesting…and all the food I’m not ingesting. I really don’t care, either.

So, it’s been a bit since I really updated at all because I’ve been rebloggingย my endometriosis-related posts this month to spread awareness. But what else have I been up to? Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #19: The Things You Learn”

Nocturnal Musings #18: A New Me?

I haven’t done one of these in awhile. My last one was in December, I believe. Even in two short months, my life has changed a great deal. Not for the better, unfortunately. And since I’m having some painsomnia along with my general refusal to sleep at night for the most part anymore, I guess I may as well talk about it to some more sympathetic ears than I’ve been getting the past few days.

I lost my job last week. I understand why, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. My FMLA ran out last June, after which point my job was unprotected; they could have gotten rid of me then. Instead, they gave me as much time as they could for me to get well enough to return to work, which I failed to do twice, once in October, and again in January, when I was diagnosed with POTS. (Here’s a bit of what a day in my life looks like now thanks to POTS, except I pretty much stay in bed now.)

img_1916
My life now. Not as nearly as enjoyable as it looks. (The smile was for my mom.) I would give almost anything to be able to get up and do things for more than 5 minutes!

But anyway, now it’s prime recruiting season at the hospital and I’m not naive enough to think they would keep me any longer. They’d rather replace me with a new residency graduate who has some clinical knowledge, but has absolutely no idea how to actuallyย beย a pharmacist.

Although I don’t feel quite as bad sometimes when I think about what a literal revolving door my specific tiny department within an enormous department is. And it is a tiny department, with something like a dozen pharmacists total for a 24/7 operation. But since 2010, the year I started working there, I’m 99% certain, if my list is correct, that I am the 20th pharmacist to leave. In seven years.

img_1910Yet my emotions are still very raw. I keep crying periodically. Ok fine, I cry a lot. I want to scream and throw things and then go to bed and never wake up. I’m back in what I call my depression hole; I have periods where I just won’t talk and will only communicate via head movements or shrugs because I feel if I open my mouth to speak, I’ll fall apart. I took the picture on the right immediately after I found out so I’ll always remember how much it hurt.

So now the big question is, what do I do with myself now? Honestly, if I ever get well, I don’t know that I have the intention of reapplying in the future or to ever practice pharmacy again. What a waste of six years of education. I was never a good pharmacist in my opinion anyway.

But David and I had a heart to heart Friday night between us and God. We came to the conclusion that I’m basically going to start my life all over again. I’ve been through so much in the past year (or even really the past four years starting with my celiac disease diagnosis, then the endometriosis…) Between all my diagnoses, my surgeries, trying to get better on a deadline when my body wasn’t ready, being stressed out by that, getting worse, and so on, it’s finally time to take my foot off the accelerator. I’m setting intentional goals that I (hope) I am capable of and can work towards.design

  • Not thinking about work or a return date or ever going back there ever again.
  • Do my cardiac rehab to the best of my ability in an effort to improve my POTS, and therefore my quality of life.
  • Do things I want to do that will make me happy.
    • Writing
    • Reading
    • Blogging
    • Studying the Word
    • Listening to music
  • Take baby steps towards normalizing my life.
  • David will encourage me and I will encourage him.
  • Focus a bit on getting the house cleaned up.

So, really, living my life the way I ย want to, with as little stress as possible to maybe help promote faster healing. No deadlines.

A new me.

I started life over again in 2004 when I started pharmacy school, leaving behind my old life of dance and musical theater.

I started life over again in 2010 when I graduated from pharmacy school, got married, moved, passed my boards, and started my career.

And I’m starting my life over again in 2017 when my health is in shambles and my pharmacy career is over.

We’ll see where the road takes me. But after all I’ve been through, I can only hope it’ll be to a happier place.

๐Ÿ’›ribbonrx

 

Trapped Inside My Own Mind

via Daily Prompt: Heard

What do you do when you feel you’re not being heard?

By family?

By friends?

By God?

I don’t think it’s their fault.

It’s not their fault.

It’s my fault.

My mind is such a foggy mess right now. It’s like there’s a short somewhere, or a connection that’s gone bad.

I have all these things I want to say, I needย to say, but I can’t think of what they are. I feel as though I’m going to explode with thoughts that can’t even come to fruition. Continue reading “Trapped Inside My Own Mind”

I’m a Little POTSie…

Sometimes the only way to get the best care is to take things into your own hands. I’ve done it before, and now I’ve had to do it again. But I’m glad I did.

Dr. J had told me to call his office about a week after my testing that occurred on January 11th and January 13th to talk to a nurse about my results. So I called on Thursday the 19th. They said they’d call me back in a few days. Nothing. So I called again Monday the 23rd. The said to give it “one more day.” Nothing. I sent a MyChart message Wednesday politely demanding the results be released and for someone to call me to discuss them. Last Thursday night most of my test results were released to MyChart, but with no explanation, so I had no idea what they meant. So I called the office Friday morning to see what the heck was going on. Continue reading “I’m a Little POTSie…”