Nocturnal Musings #22: Say Something…

I just don’t have the heart right now.

Nothing’s changed.

And maybe that’s the reason.

Say something…

You think you’re fine and then suddenly you’re not.

Again.

Biding my time.

Until what? Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #22: Say Something…”

Sunday Stealing: The Procrastination Tool

Greetings, one and all! Time to have some fun! I picked up these lovely questions down South at the McClendon Villa! Originally, however, they were the loot of Sunday Stealing! Check them both out!

But as for me…

1. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

This is a tricky one. I was diagnosed with celiac disease in 2012 and in this area of the country, it’s actually quite challenging to find a restaurant that can safely cater to a gluten free diet. The only place I really feel safe at is a restaurant called Skye.

2. What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?

Gluten free lemon bars from “Mom’s Place Gluten Free.” Great place if you’re looking for gluten free baking mixes!

3. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

DesignA baby tooth that wouldn’t fall out because there was no adult tooth under it at the time, four wisdom teeth, appendix, endometriosis lesions, and a brain tumor.

4. What is the last heavy item you lifted?

The glass piece for the storm door after we put the screen in for the summer. It takes two people to lift that thing.

5. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

Not really “knocked” unconscious as in punched in the head or anything. But I’ve had six surgeries and two endoscopies, so full general anesthesia six times and brief sedation twice.

6. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

No, because I’d spend my whole life freaking out about it.

7. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

 Sara Renee.

8. What’s your goal for the year?

No emergency room visits, hospitalizations, or surgeries! (I have to have an angiogram in November, but I’m going to count that as imaging, even if there is sedation involved…)

9. Last person you hugged?

My hubby David.

10. First place you went this morning?

 The bathroom.

11. Do you always answer your phone?

 Only if I recognize the number.

12. It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

 Probably my brother on his way to O’Hare.

13. If you could change your eye color what would it be?

 I like my hazel eyes, but I wouldn’t mind having green eyes.

14. What’s on your wish list for your birthday?

 Books.

15. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

With all my chronic illnesses and not knowing what’s going to get me next…nervous.

16. Do you have any saved texts?

 All of my texts are saved.

17. Ever been in a car wreck?

A few fender benders. I got rear-ended on Interstate 90 once when someone cut me off and I had to slam on the brakes. But everyone was fine and there was little damage to the vehicles.

The scariest one was my freshman year of high school. It was January and my brother, who was a senior, was driving us to school. He had pulled into the intersection waiting for traffic to pass to make a left turn, which he did just as the light was changing to red. Some idiot from our school was coming from the opposite direction to turn onto the same road (a right turn for him) and he ran the light and swung wide into our lane just as my brother was making the turn. The reckless driver clipped our passenger side door where I was sitting (I can still remember the scraaaaaaaaping sound) and somehow managed to rip the front bumper off our car. He took off, but not before my brother got most of the license plate. I’m proud of my brother; he kept a cool head (after letting loose some choice words), pulled into a CVS parking lot that was right there and immediately called 911 for a police dispatch. We were fine, but the car needed some attention. Later in the day, my brother went out to the student parking lot at school and found the car and was able to give the full license plate to the police. For months afterwards, if I was in the front passenger seat of a car and we were at a four-way stop, I would panic that other cars would run the stop signs and T-bone the passenger door.

18. Do you have an accent?

Technically everyone has an accent. But this seems to be the one I have, called the Northern Cities Vowel Shift. Who knew? (It’s “Raaaaaahchester…”)

19. What was the last song to make you cry?

20. What did you do last night?

Went to bed early because I didn’t feel well. 

21. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

 Yes. The entire year of 2016.

22. Current hate right now?

Warm weather. I usually enjoy summer because I tend to be freezing all the time. But this is my first summer with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). Many POTsies (apparently myself included) have severe heat intolerance and the warm temperatures cause us to dehydrate very easily, even more so than we usually do. (For example, I get extremely dehydrated just from sleeping too long.) But we do have central air, ceiling fans, and a pool, so hopefully that will keep things tolerable.

23. Met someone who changed your life?

 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior on April 13, 2001 when I was 15 years old. It was Good Friday that year, so it ended up being a very Good Friday.

24. How did you bring in the New Year?

Watched the Times Square countdown on TV with hubby. Then a neighbor had a very large (and very illegal) fireworks display that we could see out the back windows, so we watched that for a solid five minutes. No idea where this neighbor managed to get fireworks of this size and quality.IMG_1572

25. What song represents you?

💛ribbonrx

She Told Me I Was Beautiful

And now she’s dead.

Back up.

This post contains discussions of untimely death and suicide. Please stay safe and steer clear if these subjects may be triggering for you.

One of the interesting things about having chronic illness(es) is how your friendships change. In many unfortunate cases, people who were once your friends fade into the background. Sometimes it’s because they’re uncomfortable being around someone who is ill. Or maybe they don’t like the new version of this person they knew for so long. Or they could simply just not believe there’s anything wrong with this person because, like it or not, many chronic illnesses are invisible illnesses.

As a result of this, many individuals with chronic illness develop online friendships with others who are ill; people like themselves who understand exactly what they’re going through. Although not all of these friendships are with people who are ill. I have found new friends who are like-minded in faith and love of literature who I care for just as much.

But in the world of cyberspace, these friendships can result in heartache more often than you might think.

Continue reading “She Told Me I Was Beautiful”

Share Your World: April 24, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

Wanting something to quench your thirst, what would you drink? This is an interesting question, given the fact that I have POTS, which means I take in about 4-5 liters of fluid a day just to be able to stand up. Most of that is Gatorade, with a little bit being water, water with a Nuun tablet, pop, or milk. But of all the beverages I drink every day, Gatorade is the most thirst-quenching for me, probably because my body craves the sodium and other electrolytes.

Complete this sentence: Never In My Life Have I…

Continue reading “Share Your World: April 24, 2017”

A Good Thing

That place still traumatizes me.

Wait, back up. I should start at the beginning.

Yesterday it was finally time for my 7-month MRI following my brain tumor removal last September (and my 7th lifetime MRI at that!) My mom came down a few days ago to spend some time with me while my husband was out of town, and to drive me to my appointments.

I was already stressed out about the day because of the timing. My MRI was scheduled for 9:20 am at a nearby family health center. Originally, my appointment with my neurosurgeon was at 11:40 am at main campus, but last week it was changed to 9:40 am. The office called me and told me it was ok to get there as soon as I could after the MRI. Ok, then…but it still stressed me out because if there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s tardiness. Continue reading “A Good Thing”

Things We Lost in the Fire

“Things we lost to the flame
Things we’ll never see again
All that we’ve amassed
Sits before us, shattered into ash…”

Things We Lost in the Fire (Bastille)

 

IMG_1123As Esther Smith said in her excellent book, When Chronic Pain and Illness Take Everything Away, “Grief is the process by which we actively release all that we feel, question, and remember at the feet of God and the people He has placed in our lives.”

At the end of the second chapter, she poses some questions that have me wrestling with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings towards God. Questioning God isn’t a bad thing. In fact, He encourages us to come to Him with our questions, fears, or doubts. If you’ve ever read Psalms, you know this to be true!

As part of my grief process, I am going to share my answers to the questions, as you all are the people God has placed in my life. I assume the intention of that is to find help through grief from a different perspective than God’s. Continue reading “Things We Lost in the Fire”

Nocturnal Musings #21: A Conversation

A lot of people find it hard to believe that God still speaks to us today. But He does. Not in the way He used to in ancient times to the Prophets; if I heard a deep voice bellow my name out of thin air, I think I’d have a heart attack right then and there!

But if you are listening and honestly seeking Him, you can hear Him if He has something to say. My former youth pastor, John, said it like this: “You know how when you’re in a loud, crowded room, and you hear someone you know really well call your name, and you know it’s them without having to turn around? That’s what hearing God’s voice is like. You know it’s Him.”

I have also found I know when the Lord is speaking to me when I’m thinking a question and the answer is given (in that recognizable voice), while I’m still thinking, before I’ve even finished thinking the question. You can’t think two thoughts at the exact same time.

I had such an encounter tonight. I wasn’t going to share this, because it is a private journal entry, but I feel like the Lord wants me to. So here’s the entry in its entirety, with no edits. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #21: A Conversation”