Back in the Hole

Back in the Hole

Today (or rather, yesterday at this point), was going to be such a good day. I slept well, despite my usual late 4:30 pm wake-up, but I felt good when I woke up and was looking forward to having a good day.

Until I read my email. I received an email from my manager that for whatever reason, absence management is claiming they don’t have any of the paperwork for my current leave or upcoming leave. This just adds more fire to the fury from my previous post on a similar subject.

Now hold on just a darn second. The first set of paperwork was hand-delivered to my endocrinologist’s office on Friday 8/5. They later called me the same day to say they had just faxed it to absence management. But now absence management is saying they don’t have it, despite the fact that it was faxed to them three weeks ago. As far as I’m concerned, the fact that absence management can’t seem to find it is an issue between them and my endocrinologist’s office and it is inappropriate to draw me into it, as my manager wants to do to me. I did my job. My endocrinologist’s office did their job. I controlled what I could control. I can’t control the incompetence of absence management. It is out of my hands and it is not my job to be chasing down paperwork that I appropriately managed three weeks ago. This should be a management to management discussion and I should not and will not be drawn into it.
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Now, of course, this situation has been enough to throw my fragile mental state off the mental health wagon since my manager is trying to throw me under the bus. I’ve face planted into the mud and fallen back into my hole, which I only just climbed out of a few days ago. As I was trying to explain to David earlier, when I am in my depression hole, the only thing I can do is wait for the unpredictable appearance of what I like to call the “magical ladder” so I can climb out of said hole. I never know when it’s going to appear. I can’t do anything to make it appear. I just wait. And sit and stare at the wall a lot. And cry a lot. I spent all evening crying. Even though David’s asleep because he has to work tomorrow (today?), I am staying in bed so he is close by to me in case I get overwhelmed during the night and start to go off the deep end. A little while ago I wanted nothing more than to cut, to manifest my internal emotional pain in some external way as a release.

Thankfully, I forced myself to do a little bit of Bible reading tonight and what was the first reading we had on our list but Psalm 43:

“Vindicate me, my God,
and plead my cause against an unfaithful nation.
Rescue me from those who are deceitful and wicked.
You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
Send me your light and your faithful care, let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.”

Psalm 43

imageThere’s the bit of my magical ladder starting to drop down to me. Quicker than usual, I must say. Maybe I’ll have the strength to climb out tonight, maybe not. It might take a little longer depending on how much blame of something that’s not my fault is placed on me.

Hopefully today will be a better day. I only have 9 days to go until my surgery and I’m hoping to make them good days, but crap like this isn’t what I need; it just stresses me out further, which makes me feel even more ill, and I will not deny that my state of mental health is incredibly fragile right now. It’s not something I can help. It’s just the way it is. So a little compassion from those in my life would be much appreciated.

💛 ribbonrx

 

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