2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: January

I’m going to try something a little different here. Last year was a rough year for me due to medical problems I had. I poured out my heart and soul into my personal journals, which were my lifeline keeping me somewhat grounded. To give you an idea of what it was really like to go through all that I did, the rest of this entry is only direct quotes from my journals. I plan to do this every month this year.

Welcome to the inside of my head and heart. Be warned, this is honest and raw.

Trigger warning: self-harm, depression, infertility

January 1, 2016: “Well, here’s to hoping for a good 2016. I hope it’s better than last year.” Continue reading “2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: January”

Look Back at Me

Trigger warning: depression and self harm

Last night was a rough night. Not as bad as it could have been. Just some tears and feeling sorry for myself. It’s always worst late at night, especially after David goes to bed (I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve gone to bed before him in the past 6 1/2 years of marriage.)

I filled up a couple pages in my journal with my feelings, since writing it all down helps me to process it. (Plus I had extra time thanks to setting the clocks back an hour!) But then I reached a point in my thinking where I didn’t know what to do. Continue reading “Look Back at Me”


Yesterday, October 10th, was World Mental Health Day. Of course I didn’t know about this until much later in the day and couldn’t really think of anything meaningful to say.

Until I recalled an event from seven years ago that, while I have trouble remembering some details and is something I haven’t thought about in a long time, still resonates with me. And so, I’m going to share it with you. Continue reading “#WorldMentalHealthDay”

How Chronic Illness Showed Me What Love Is

I’ve heard the stories, and I’m sure some of you have as well. Every now and then, someone in one of my Facebook support groups will post the news that her significant other is leaving because he or she can’t deal with her chronic illness. Sometimes this is a breakup; other times it means divorce.

No matter how big or small the breakup, this is a tragedy that plays out too often in the world today. It makes me sad. It makes me mad. It makes me wish I could do something to help. To make people realize that individuals with chronic illness need even more support and love from the people around them because of illness-imposed limitations on their lives.

Thankfully, my own accumulation of chronic illnesses over the past several years has led to the relationship between my husband and I becoming stronger and more full of love than I ever thought possible. Continue reading “How Chronic Illness Showed Me What Love Is”

Nocturnal Musings #15: The Meaning of Strength?

Nurse Smoosh

I feel horrible right now. Either I caught a cold at the hospital on Friday that somehow already manifested itself Sunday morning, or my new, more powerful nasal rinse is knocking loose some serious crap still stuck in my upper sinuses. My nose is draining the nastiest looking stuff. I didn’t even sleep last night because I was so congested and I doubt I’ll sleep tonight either. My ENT says it should lessen up as the week goes on and to let them know if it doesn’t. But as for right now, I am grouchy and grumpy. I felt fantastic last week and now I feel like I’ve backslidden.

David said to me tonight that I have been so strong through all of this. (Granted he was quite sleepy and mildly intoxicated from watching The Debate.)

But the strength analogy is something I don’t understand. Let’s analyze, because I’m probably hours away from sleep at this point. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #15: The Meaning of Strength?”

The Ultimate Game of Pretend

via Daily Prompt: Pretend

*Trigger warning for depression and self harm*img_0513

For me, my depression was all about pretending. Just keep smiling and no one will notice. Just keep saying, “I’m fine” and they will assume you are. For several months, not until I went public with it on my blog, no one except my husband knew what I was hiding behind my smile. Continue reading “The Ultimate Game of Pretend”

And So I Kept Living

*Warning: this post may contain triggers for self-harm and material which may be upsetting. Please stay safe and steer clear of this post if you have these triggers.*

I had been meaning to post this last Saturday, but that was the day I got discharged from the hospital after my surgery to remove my brain tumor and I wasn’t feeling up to it. And then I began to wonder if I even had the courage to post this, since it’s even more revealing of where my mental health has been. This is dark stuff, guys, I’m warning you now. But I feel I must speak out. So here is the post in its entirety.image

September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. I never thought this was something I would care a great deal about. Don’t get me wrong, suicide is tragic and suicide prevention is incredibly important. But it’s really hit me this year because I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at the end of last year. At the time, I was passively suicidal. And I was self harming. I was in a dark place that most people didn’t actually know I was in because I hid it from almost everyone.

Continue reading “And So I Kept Living”