Subdued
This is a republish from a month ago…I published it and then it somehow unpublished itself back into my drafts…so here’s a post from the middle of October!
I’ve been quite subdued this week. The Google definition of subdued is “quiet and rather reflective or depressed.” I really can’t think of a better word to describe my state of being at the moment.
Ever since I got my lab results back, really. I am still thrilled that they didn’t demonstrate anything wrong with my pituitary gland. It’s truly amazing that I got through that surgery this unscathed, especially since Dr. Recinos admitted that he had a hard time getting the tumor out and was worried about damage to the gland. One person in a Facebook support group said I’m the first person she knows of to have no hormonal deficits following the surgery. (That we know of, at least…my female hormones have yet to demonstrate they are willing to behave themselves, and they’re the ones that were screwed up by the tumor to begin with.) I don’t know whether that just speaks to the skill of my surgeon or if it’s one of the Lord’s blessings. Likely both.
But I don’t know what to do now. I’m still having headaches all the time. Right now I have one that is trying really hard to go migrainous on me. (I swear if my neighbor doesn’t finish mowing his lawn soon, I’m going to go over there with our Honduran machete and do some damage to that stupid riding lawnmower.)
Yet I digress.
Still having headaches. And my lack of energy has turned into an apathy of the highest order. I’ve gone from sleeping too much to only being able to sleep 2-3 hours at a time, so I’m not getting any beneficial rest and haven’t in over a week. I was sleeping better on a night shift sleep schedule, but I changed my sleep back because I have to go back to work in 9 days. And for the past few days, I’ve been having a ton of pelvic pain; my right ovary is its usual pissy self (maybe I ovulated and made a cyst) and my uterus feels like it’s on fire. Freaking adenomyosis. *steals heating pad from cat*
I am subdued because I feel defeated. I’ve stopped caring about pretty much anything and everything. I can’t find joy in anything. The other night, when David noticed I was glum and asked what he could do to cheer me up, I just started crying because I realized I haven’t felt that unhappy in months.
Not to mention I’m exhausted by pretty much anything and everything. I did two loads of laundry a few days ago and couldn’t do anything else for two days. We finally got the pool closed this morning, which is really not that hard (it’s opening that’s physically draining) but I feel like I did an intense workout. I know I won’t be able to do anything useful for at least two days now. The exhaustion is truly worse than it’s ever been and I don’t know how to fix it. More sleep would be nice, but I can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. Not even prescribed sleeping pills work anymore.
And because I’m so exhausted and can’t do anything and don’t care about anything, I find myself in a subdued state, doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.
- Am I doing something wrong that my recovery has been so dismal, despite the lack of expected complications?
- How on earth am I going to manage going back to work?
- Am I just expecting too much of myself?
- How much damage can one do to a lawnmower with a machete?
0 thoughts on “Subdued”
Hi Laura, it’s Cousin Robin! Why don’t you apply for Social Security Disability. You have worked, paid into it and certainly have enough physicians and medical documentation to do that. They allow you the option of going back to work – part time or at least they explain your options.
You have been through so much especially in the last few months, emotionally and physically! It’s no wonder you’re exhausted. Really, it hasn’t been that long since your brain surgery (also, brain surgery!!) and you are still experiencing a lot of chronic pain, especially with these headaches. I can identify with much of what you’ve described. I’m still exhausted and kind of a basket case 3 months now after my surgery. I doubt myself, thinking I should be better by now or I shouldn’t be so sad, but these are big things and they take the time they take. You’ve been brave and strong! With lots of rest and patience, I think you’ll continue to feel better and good things are ahead for you!!?
I’m sorry, you have been through so much, it’s normal for recovery to be slow I can imagine. I was thinking that maybe there might be some alternative therapies you could try to see if they might help you feel a bit better, I know some people swear by acupuncture. Maybe there is a holistic/meditation person who might help you with relaxation techniques or something. Or possibly you could also try to just focus on looking after yourself as best you can, and doing things that make you feel good, maybe booking regular massages? Sorry if the suggestions aren’t helpful, I hope you will start feeling more like yourself again soon. And that your sleeping will improve too.