Nocturnal Musings #18: A New Me?

I haven’t done one of these in awhile. My last one was in December, I believe. Even in two short months, my life has changed a great deal. Not for the better, unfortunately. And since I’m having some painsomnia along with my general refusal to sleep at night for the most part anymore, I guess I may as well talk about it to some more sympathetic ears than I’ve been getting the past few days.

I lost my job last week. I understand why, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. My FMLA ran out last June, after which point my job was unprotected; they could have gotten rid of me then. Instead, they gave me as much time as they could for me to get well enough to return to work, which I failed to do twice, once in October, and again in January, when I was diagnosed with POTS. (Here’s a bit of what a day in my life looks like now thanks to POTS, except I pretty much stay in bed now.)

My life now. Not as nearly as enjoyable as it looks. (The smile was for my mom.) I would give almost anything to be able to get up and do things for more than 5 minutes!

But anyway, now it’s prime recruiting season at the hospital and I’m not naive enough to think they would keep me any longer. They’d rather replace me with a new residency graduate who has some clinical knowledge, but has absolutely no idea how to actually be a pharmacist.

Although I don’t feel quite as bad sometimes when I think about what a literal revolving door my specific tiny department within an enormous department is. And it is a tiny department, with something like a dozen pharmacists total for a 24/7 operation. But since 2010, the year I started working there, I’m 99% certain, if my list is correct, that I am the 20th pharmacist to leave. In seven years.

img_1910Yet my emotions are still very raw. I keep crying periodically. Ok fine, I cry a lot. I want to scream and throw things and then go to bed and never wake up. I’m back in what I call my depression hole; I have periods where I just won’t talk and will only communicate via head movements or shrugs because I feel if I open my mouth to speak, I’ll fall apart. I took the picture on the right immediately after I found out so I’ll always remember how much it hurt.

So now the big question is, what do I do with myself now? Honestly, if I ever get well, I don’t know that I have the intention of reapplying in the future or to ever practice pharmacy again. What a waste of six years of education. I was never a good pharmacist in my opinion anyway.

But David and I had a heart to heart Friday night between us and God. We came to the conclusion that I’m basically going to start my life all over again. I’ve been through so much in the past year (or even really the past four years starting with my celiac disease diagnosis, then the endometriosis…) Between all my diagnoses, my surgeries, trying to get better on a deadline when my body wasn’t ready, being stressed out by that, getting worse, and so on, it’s finally time to take my foot off the accelerator. I’m setting intentional goals that I (hope) I am capable of and can work

  • Not thinking about work or a return date or ever going back there ever again.
  • Do my cardiac rehab to the best of my ability in an effort to improve my POTS, and therefore my quality of life.
  • Do things I want to do that will make me happy.
    • Writing
    • Reading
    • Blogging
    • Studying the Word
    • Listening to music
  • Take baby steps towards normalizing my life.
  • David will encourage me and I will encourage him.
  • Focus a bit on getting the house cleaned up.

So, really, living my life the way I  want to, with as little stress as possible to maybe help promote faster healing. No deadlines.

A new me.

I started life over again in 2004 when I started pharmacy school, leaving behind my old life of dance and musical theater.

I started life over again in 2010 when I graduated from pharmacy school, got married, moved, passed my boards, and started my career.

And I’m starting my life over again in 2017 when my health is in shambles and my pharmacy career is over.

We’ll see where the road takes me. But after all I’ve been through, I can only hope it’ll be to a happier place.



An Angry Uterus

Sorry men, this post may be too much for you. Unless you’re used to being around angry uteruses.

Right now my uterus is angry. Feisty. Rebellious. And just generally pissed off. The result of which is why I am awake at 3:30 am when I’m really tired and just want to sleep. But no. The drama queen is awake and active. Continue reading “An Angry Uterus”


via Daily Prompt: Subdued

This is a republish from a month ago…I published it and then it somehow unpublished itself back into my drafts…so here’s a post from the middle of October!

I’ve been quite subdued this week. The Google definition of subdued is “quiet and rather reflective or depressed.” I really can’t think of a better word to describe my state of being at the moment. Continue reading “Subdued”

Waiting for Life to Begin

via Daily Prompt: Waiting

Sometimes I feel like that’s all I do.


The life of a person with chronic illness is full of waiting. Continue reading “Waiting for Life to Begin”

Nocturnal Musings #16: Now What?

It’s 7 am, but still pitch black outside. Such is October. Sunrise isn’t for another half hour.

I’m not in the best of moods this morning. While I sort of successfully got my sleep switched over so I’m not awake all night, now I can’t sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time, so I’m constantly tired. Yesterday I slept from roughly 2-5 am, then 4-7 pm. Tonight (today?) I don’t even really know when I slept. I may have gotten 2 hours. But my head hurts too much right now to sleep, even though I’m still tired.

But the main reason I’m not in a great mood is that I got my lab results back. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #16: Now What?”

Nocturnal Musings #15: The Meaning of Strength?

Nurse Smoosh

I feel horrible right now. Either I caught a cold at the hospital on Friday that somehow already manifested itself Sunday morning, or my new, more powerful nasal rinse is knocking loose some serious crap still stuck in my upper sinuses. My nose is draining the nastiest looking stuff. I didn’t even sleep last night because I was so congested and I doubt I’ll sleep tonight either. My ENT says it should lessen up as the week goes on and to let them know if it doesn’t. But as for right now, I am grouchy and grumpy. I felt fantastic last week and now I feel like I’ve backslidden.

David said to me tonight that I have been so strong through all of this. (Granted he was quite sleepy and mildly intoxicated from watching The Debate.)

But the strength analogy is something I don’t understand. Let’s analyze, because I’m probably hours away from sleep at this point. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #15: The Meaning of Strength?”

Nocturnal Musings #14: Up All Night

Although the current time is no longer nocturnal, I was literally up all night and started thinking about maybe writing a blog post in the predawn hours, so I’m going to count it anyway.

Yes, I was up all night. And I’m obviously still awake, even though it’s after 10 am. Maybe thinking through and writing down what is on my mind will help me pinpoint why I’ve been awake and will help me get to sleep. This will be complete stream of consciousness to try and get things off my mind. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #14: Up All Night”