This is a republish from a month ago…I published it and then it somehow unpublished itself back into my drafts…so here’s a post from the middle of October!
I’ve been quite subdued this week. The Google definition of subdued is “quiet and rather reflective or depressed.” I really can’t think of a better word to describe my state of being at the moment.
Ever since I got my lab results back, really. I am still thrilled that they didn’t demonstrate anything wrong with my pituitary gland. It’s truly amazing that I got through that surgery this unscathed, especially since Dr. Recinos admitted that he had a hard time getting the tumor out and was worried about damage to the gland. One person in a Facebook support group said I’m the first person she knows of to have no hormonal deficits following the surgery. (That we know of, at least…my female hormones have yet to demonstrate they are willing to behave themselves, and they’re the ones that were screwed up by the tumor to begin with.) I don’t know whether that just speaks to the skill of my surgeon or if it’s one of the Lord’s blessings. Likely both.
But I don’t know what to do now. I’m still having headaches all the time. Right now I have one that is trying really hard to go migrainous on me. (I swear if my neighbor doesn’t finish mowing his lawn soon, I’m going to go over there with our Honduran machete and do some damage to that stupid riding lawnmower.)
Yet I digress.
Still having headaches. And my lack of energy has turned into an apathy of the highest order. I’ve gone from sleeping too much to only being able to sleep 2-3 hours at a time, so I’m not getting any beneficial rest and haven’t in over a week. I was sleeping better on a night shift sleep schedule, but I changed my sleep back because I have to go back to work in 9 days. And for the past few days, I’ve been having a ton of pelvic pain; my right ovary is its usual pissy self (maybe I ovulated and made a cyst) and my uterus feels like it’s on fire. Freaking adenomyosis. *steals heating pad from cat*
I am subdued because I feel defeated. I’ve stopped caring about pretty much anything and everything. I can’t find joy in anything. The other night, when David noticed I was glum and asked what he could do to cheer me up, I just started crying because I realized I haven’t felt that unhappy in months.
Not to mention I’m exhausted by pretty much anything and everything. I did two loads of laundry a few days ago and couldn’t do anything else for two days. We finally got the pool closed this morning, which is really not that hard (it’s opening that’s physically draining) but I feel like I did an intense workout. I know I won’t be able to do anything useful for at least two days now. The exhaustion is truly worse than it’s ever been and I don’t know how to fix it. More sleep would be nice, but I can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. Not even prescribed sleeping pills work anymore.
And because I’m so exhausted and can’t do anything and don’t care about anything, I find myself in a subdued state, doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.
- Am I doing something wrong that my recovery has been so dismal, despite the lack of expected complications?
- How on earth am I going to manage going back to work?
- Am I just expecting too much of myself?
- How much damage can one do to a lawnmower with a machete?