“…why did you doubt?”
Right now I’m full of doubt.
What a cliche beginning.
And yet, it is the truth.
I can’t predict the future. I don’t know what the Lord has in store for me. He’s started dropping hints again after a week’s silence following what happened just recently, which likely means something is going to happen again.
You doubt, don’t you? Let me tell you a story.
I spend a decent amount of time in God’s Word every day. Usually 1-2 hours, maybe longer if I’m having a bad day. On February 13th, 2017, I had what I like to call a divine appointment. The verses He chose to share with me that day and the order in which they appeared were uncanny. I did a (Spirit-led) mental analysis and came up with two conclusions. Here’s one of them (and I cried while writing it because I didn’t truly believe it could actually come to this):
This journal entry was written early in the morning on February 14, 2017. Although I didn’t know how this was going to manifest, we planned to start considering logistics and speaking about overall prognoses with doctors to make sure we were making an informed decision about the possibility of resigning. I discussed this with my dad on February 19th, and he supported our plans to slowly move forward.
On February 22nd, I was informed by my boss that my job was being posted.
Do I doubt that this was supposed to happen? No.
Does the fact that this was clearly a God-appointed moment in my life make it easier to bear? No.
Do I doubt my own decisions? Yes. We’re broke. And our salary was just cut in half. If I hadn’t decided to have the surgery in Atlanta last July (which was out of pocket) because I was wimpy and couldn’t handle the pain anymore, what’s the worst that could have happened? Persistent ovarian torsion (as opposed to the intermittent I was experiencing), an emergency surgery causing loss of my right ovary, and likely a bowel obstruction. I’d take that if it meant we’d have money to pay the mortgage now.
Do I question the circumstances under which the decision was made to post my position? Yes. It was too sudden and out of the blue, with absolutely no warning or the possibility mentioned to me beforehand whatsoever.
Do I doubt I will ever be able to practice pharmacy again? Yes.
Do I doubt I will ever be able to work again at all? Yes.
I’m 31 years old and have no career. I worked my butt off for six years for a doctorate degree I can’t use. It’s the only degree I have. Too bad I don’t still live in my hometown, because I know enough people to be able to get a job doing what I really love.
My life is overcome with doubt. But I hope to overcome that with faith. Someday.