Nocturnal Musings #23: Out of Hell

I have to go there today.

That place.

That hospital of which I am deeply afraid.

For a follow-up visit with my endocrinologist to check my prolactin to make sure my tumor is still in check, even though my MRI from two months ago (7 months post-op) was clear.

I can already smell the smells. Starbucks, of all things. Alcohol wipes. Plastic tubing. Fluid bags from patients going for walks. I can smell a TPN fifty yards away. Occupational hazard.

I can already see the blindingly white walls and stainless steel everything that provide zero comfort to a terrified patient. And possibly a need for sunglasses.

I can already hear the ever-present music that is supposed to be soothing playing over hidden speakers. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #23: Out of Hell”

She Told Me I Was Beautiful

And now she’s dead.

Back up.

This post contains discussions of untimely death and suicide. Please stay safe and steer clear if these subjects may be triggering for you.

One of the interesting things about having chronic illness(es) is how your friendships change. In many unfortunate cases, people who were once your friends fade into the background. Sometimes it’s because they’re uncomfortable being around someone who is ill. Or maybe they don’t like the new version of this person they knew for so long. Or they could simply just not believe there’s anything wrong with this person because, like it or not, many chronic illnesses are invisible illnesses.

As a result of this, many individuals with chronic illness develop online friendships with others who are ill; people like themselves who understand exactly what they’re going through. Although not all of these friendships are with people who are ill. I have found new friends who are like-minded in faith and love of literature who I care for just as much.

But in the world of cyberspace, these friendships can result in heartache more often than you might think.

Continue reading “She Told Me I Was Beautiful”

Share Your World: April 24, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

Wanting something to quench your thirst, what would you drink? This is an interesting question, given the fact that I have POTS, which means I take in about 4-5 liters of fluid a day just to be able to stand up. Most of that is Gatorade, with a little bit being water, water with a Nuun tablet, pop, or milk. But of all the beverages I drink every day, Gatorade is the most thirst-quenching for me, probably because my body craves the sodium and other electrolytes.

Complete this sentence: Never In My Life Have I…

Continue reading “Share Your World: April 24, 2017”

A Good Thing

That place still traumatizes me.

Wait, back up. I should start at the beginning.

Yesterday it was finally time for my 7-month MRI following my brain tumor removal last September (and my 7th lifetime MRI at that!) My mom came down a few days ago to spend some time with me while my husband was out of town, and to drive me to my appointments.

I was already stressed out about the day because of the timing. My MRI was scheduled for 9:20 am at a nearby family health center. Originally, my appointment with my neurosurgeon was at 11:40 am at main campus, but last week it was changed to 9:40 am. The office called me and told me it was ok to get there as soon as I could after the MRI. Ok, then…but it still stressed me out because if there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s tardiness. Continue reading “A Good Thing”

Nocturnal Musings #21: A Conversation

A lot of people find it hard to believe that God still speaks to us today. But He does. Not in the way He used to in ancient times to the Prophets; if I heard a deep voice bellow my name out of thin air, I think I’d have a heart attack right then and there!

But if you are listening and honestly seeking Him, you can hear Him if He has something to say. My former youth pastor, John, said it like this: “You know how when you’re in a loud, crowded room, and you hear someone you know really well call your name, and you know it’s them without having to turn around? That’s what hearing God’s voice is like. You know it’s Him.”

I have also found I know when the Lord is speaking to me when I’m thinking a question and the answer is given (in that recognizable voice), while I’m still thinking, before I’ve even finished thinking the question. You can’t think two thoughts at the exact same time.

I had such an encounter tonight. I wasn’t going to share this, because it is a private journal entry, but I feel like the Lord wants me to. So here’s the entry in its entirety, with no edits. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #21: A Conversation”

2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: February

Way behind in publishing this, but I still want to continue this series.

Last year was a rough year for me due to all the medical problems I had. I poured out my heart and soul into my personal journals, which were my lifeline keeping me somewhat grounded. To give you an idea of what it was really like to go through all that I did, the rest of this entry is only direct quotes from my journals. I plan to do this every month this year. If you want to read January first to set the stage, you can find it here.

Welcome to the inside of my head and heart. Be warned, this is honest and raw.

Trigger warning: depression, discussion of death

February 3, 2016: “Basically, I can’t think of any convincing reason to stay alive…Maybe, if I’m lucky, I have a brain tumor. Although the chances of that are basically zero. I’m sure these headaches are just due to significant stress…Although I’m not saying that I don’t still want to die. It would be the most excellent release from everything I’m going through.” Continue reading “2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: February”

Share Your World- March 27, 2017

This will be a weekly post of the most random of random questions to answer- to share my world! Thanks to Cee’s blog for being the brainchild behind this!

Does your first or middle name have any significance (or were you named after another family member)? My first name, no. My middle name is my mother’s first name (same with my brother; his middle name is my father’s first name.)

Music or silence while working? It really depends on what I’m doing and what kind of mood I’m in. I have music on right now and I generally do while I’m blogging. But while I’m writing in my journal, I’m a bit more introspective, so I prefer silence. If I happen to be doing anything else, like folding laundry, I like music to be on. Continue reading “Share Your World- March 27, 2017”