Skip to content
RibbonRx
  • An Introduction to ribbonrx.com
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Yellow for Endometriosis
  • Published on The Mighty
  • Bookworm Corner: My Bookish Posts
  • Search Icon

RibbonRx

Raising Awareness About Life

Look Back at Me

Look Back at Me

November 6, 2016 ribbonrx Comments 0 Comment

Trigger warning: depression and self harm

Last night was a rough night. Not as bad as it could have been. Just some tears and feeling sorry for myself. It’s always worst late at night, especially after David goes to bed (I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve gone to bed before him in the past 6 1/2 years of marriage.)

I filled up a couple pages in my journal with my feelings, since writing it all down helps me to process it. (Plus I had extra time thanks to setting the clocks back an hour!) But then I reached a point in my thinking where I didn’t know what to do.

The urge to self harm came upon me like a tidal wave. I desperately wanted to, but at the same time, I didn’t. I’ve been good for seven months. I didn’t want to ruin that progress now.

Then I remembered a coping strategy I had read somewhere; I honestly can’t remember where now. It involved using a permanent marker to take the place of your cutting tool. So I took a permanent marker and wrote on my arms what I wanted to say. I wasn’t sure if it would make me feel better, but surprisingly, it did. A lot. Especially considering what I wrote. “TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.” For the first time, it wasn’t self-deprecating. I decided to go public with the picture I took to see what would happen, shortly after an honest blog post about my true feelings.

Clearly, there were some who understood and some who didn’t.

I appreciated the “me too” responses and the helpful suggestions of other coping mechanisms that worked for them, like doing good things for other people. That’s why when David got home last night at midnight and said he needed a shirt washed by morning, I had happily grabbed the laundry basket before he’d finished talking and stayed up until 2 am (although more like 3 am with the time change) to make sure it got done. Some other things I’ve already been doing as well, like making a “thankful for” list, but I need to get back to doing it daily. After all, the apostle Paul said, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18.) It’s helpful to receive advice from those who share your struggles, because you really don’t know what you’re dealing with until you’ve been on this side of it.

No, I did NOT self-harm, as some implied. That was the whole point of using the permanent marker. So to say I’m “back to self harming” and to condemn me for it is not the best response.

And yes, there was the obligatory “you need serious help” response. Which I get. And I am. It’s not my fault that mental health is considered the bastard stepchild of healthcare and I can’t get an appointment with a psychiatrist because none of them are taking new patients and there’s a 2-3 month wait to see a nurse practitioner. No one gives a crap about mental health and our society is suffering for it.

Are you ashamed by the above image? I’m not. But I hope you are. Does it make you want to look away? I hope so. Go ahead, turn away from it. Because maybe then you’ll realize that your attitude towards those with mental health issues is part of the problem. You’re part of the reason there is a problem in the first place. Just like most of the rest of society that ignores us and stigmatizes us to the point that we are the ones ashamed to seek help.

You have a brain tumor? Oh no! And an aneurysm? What rotten luck, hope you get it fixed soon. You’re depressed? And self-harming? You should be ashamed of yourself! What do you possibly have to be sad about? I can’t believe you. Snap out of it!

We’re condemned for having the problem and condemned when we’re strong enough to seek help for it.

So now that you’ve turned your back on the problem, I dare you. Turn around. And look back at me.

?ribbonrx

Share this:

  • Tweet
  • Share on Tumblr
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window) Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

Related


Green for the mind
Chronic illness, chronic pain, Depression, invisible illness, mental health, recovery, self harm, social anxiety

Post navigation

PREVIOUS
Don’t Worry, Be…What?
NEXT
The Versatile Blogger Award

0 thoughts on “Look Back at Me”

  1. Katy says:
    November 6, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    “So now that you’ve turned your back on the problem, I dare you. Turn around. And look back at me.”- This really hits home for me. I don’t self harm, but have my own issues. Mental health care and perceptions are pathetic. I think you were very stron, brave, and turned it into something beautiful. Stay strong!

    Loading...
    Reply
  2. spooniemom says:
    November 7, 2016 at 5:04 pm

    Hi! I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! 🙂 https://spooniemomblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/07/the-versatile-blogger-award/ You are under no obligation.

    Loading...
    Reply
  3. Pingback: Identity Crisis – ribbonrx
  4. Grace says:
    November 21, 2016 at 8:43 am

    My name is Grace and after reading your blog and I am very interested in speaking with you. I am doing a Final Year Project at Keele University and would love to feature your blog in this research. If you could contact me that would be amazing!

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    Many thanks,

    Grace O’Reilly

    Loading...
    Reply
    1. ribbonrx says:
      November 21, 2016 at 10:06 pm

      Hello Grace! Thank you for reading my blog! Sorry for my slow response; I’m currently in the hospital after having a stent placed in my carotid artery (blog post coming soon!) I would love to be able to help you with your project at university. Just let me know what you need from me! If you want to contact me via email, it’s lauratietz26@gmail.com. ?

      Loading...
      Reply
  5. ChelseaNoelani says:
    December 19, 2016 at 4:24 am

    Thank you for sharing this with such honesty about self-harm and how attitudes toward mental health issues are part of THE issue. Your post really hit home for me. I have self-harmed for half of my 26-year life and it means a lot when people understand part of how I feel. I am sorry to hear you are/were struggling, or if it is a daily struggle, I hope it gets a little easier as time goes on. Take care.
    -Chelsea

    Loading...
    Reply
  6. Pingback: Guest Post – Look Back At Me |

Don't Be Shy! Leave a Reply!Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Recent Posts

  • Spinal CSF Leak: Parenting While Leaking
  • Spinal CSF Leak: The True Impact on a Life
  • Spinal CSF Leak: The First Blood Patch
  • Spinal CSF Leak: How It Started
  • Medical Gaslighting: It Happened to Me
  • 2019: Becoming a Mama
  • The Birthday Surprise of a Lifetime
  • I Use Opioids and I’m Not An Addict
  • Weekly Gratitudes: September 17, 2018
  • Chronic Pelvic Pain: So What Do I Do Now?

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Archives

Chronic Illness Bloggers

ribbonrx on Facebook!

ribbonrx on Facebook!

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Goodreads

© 2025   All Rights Reserved.
This website uses cookies
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Read More
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
SAVE & ACCEPT
%d