I’m not sure what to say right now. Today was a day that pushed me to my limits in ways I never thought I could be. Emotionally, I’m a mess. Mentally, I’m overwhelmed. Physically, I don’t know if I’ll ever sleep again until all this gets figured out.

I actually got up at 6 am this morning when David got up for work, despite only having slept for maybe 2-3 hours at most. I figured I could take a nap later if I wanted to, which I did after a productive morning of quiet time in the Word and finishing a book (yes, I actually finished a book!).

I was awakened at 4:45 pm by absence management calling. Now, I don’t fault my caseworker. She is a very nice lady. But she explained that for whatever reason, they don’t have the paperwork they’re looking for despite the fact that it was faxed to them three weeks ago. But she offered to reach out to the doctor’s offices for me to see what the problem may be and she will call me back tomorrow. So of course, I’m still being dragged into this mess, but it could be about to get messier.

While I was on the phone with absence managment, I received another call, which I didn’t take. And then another call. No one ever calls me and I suddenly get three phone calls in five minutes? Annoying. But when I hung up with absence managment, I saw that I had missed a call likely from my neurosurgeon’s office based on the phone number. But David had also tried to call and he sent me a text to call him, so I did. He asked me if I had spoken with my neurosurgeon’s nurse in the past few minutes and I said no. She apparently had indeed tried to call me, but then called David when she was unable to reach me. And then David told me the bad news.

Along with Mini still being present on the MRI from my pre-op tests on Friday at her steady 6 mm size, there was also an indication that I might possibly have a supraclinoid internal carotid artery aneurysm. Basically, my internal carotid artery near the tumor could rupture at any time and I could have a stroke. The nurse said they had just put in an order for a CT angiogram to confirm or deny the presence of the aneurysm. I should hopefully be hearing today about when and where that will be, since this could radically change my surgery plans.

To say that I am overwhelmed is the greatest of understatements. I’ve barely been able to stop crying for the past eight hours, especially the more I read about supraclinoid ICA aneurysms. Depending on the exact presentation (basically what formation they take) they can have a very high morbidity and mortality rate. From what I’ve read, it’s likely I will need surgery to take care of the aneurysm first and then have surgery at a later date to remove the tumor. Which means even more time off work. More paperwork to fill out. And two brain surgeries. And I somehow doubt I will be having surgery next week if indeed there is an aneurysm present, since now vascular neurosurgeons will need to get on board and I’ll have to fit into their schedules.

I can only ask to whoever deems this post worthy of reading that you pray for me or lift up happy, healing thoughts to whatever belief system you have. I honestly wasn’t too overwhelmed with the brain tumor diagnosis back in March, because it had been hiding in the back of my mind as a possibility and it was a relief to have an answer.

But this…I don’t know how to deal with this. This aneurysm is potentially a very serious thing, which could lead to my death or permanent disability. I can only hope the radiologist is wrong and that it’s just an artifact on the scan. But something tells me it’s not. In which case, my life could be in for a big change.

I’m scared. I’m so scared. More scared than I’ve been in a long time. And the only thing I can do is pray to Jesus that He’ll spare me.

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