I was never good at math or science in school. Well, I managed. Yes, I was in the advanced classes, taking AP calculus and AP chemistry. But it never came easily to me at all. Biology and physiology always made sense, but chemistry? Forget it. (And what is pharmacy? A good chunk of it is chemistry. Why on earth did I choose that for my career?)

Reading and writing have been my great loves since I can remember. My dad is a former newspaper reporter, writer, and editor. He taught me a great deal of what he knows about writing and editing.

Additionally, I read an unfathomable number of books growing up. (I think my poor fourth and fifth grade teachers can attest to that!) As a natural consequence of all that reading, writing came very naturally to me starting at a young age. And it was primarily my dad’s tutelage that taught me the common grammar rules that seem to elude an unsettling number of younger English-speakers nowadays. Could I diagram a sentence anymore? Absolutely not. But I do know the difference between pour and pore (and poor…)

So I suppose it makes sense that I’ve recently undergone a career change…of sorts.

Losing Faith in Myself

As I think most of my readers are aware, I started this blog in July 2016. My intention was (and still is) to share my experiences of my recent avalanche of chronic illness diagnoses in order to raise awareness for these conditions. Many of the chronic illnesses that affect me are sadly little-known and frequently misdiagnosed.

My blog trotted along at a good pace for over a year. But by the end of September 2017, something had changed. It’s not that I didn’t want to write anymore; it’s that I couldn’t. The brain fog caused by my Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) wreaked havoc on my ability to write. I used to be able to come up with an idea and plunk out a decent blog post in a few hours. Suddenly, even looking through my list of dozens of ideas, I couldn’t wrap my head around any of them. I tried to write, but quickly became discouraged when only a few sentences would stumble from my fingers. Eventually, I lost all faith in my ability to write.

The End of My (Actual) Career

The last official day of my employment as a pediatric pharmacist was May 7, 2018. This was two years to the day that I went on short-term disability for six months, followed by long-term disability for 18 months. Twenty-four months of disability is the maximum allowed by my former employer. After that, if you aren’t well enough to return to work, you’re terminated. My termination was no one’s fault; that’s just the policy.

But I know that because of my POTS, I’ll never be able to return to work as a pharmacist, in most likely any setting. I refuse to ever work retail; not that I could with all the standing anyway. I’d pass out ten minutes into my first shift. And having worked hospital pharmacy for six years, I know that’s impossible, too. So now I have a rather useless doctorate I’ll most likely never use again. What this all boils down to is essentially the end of my career as a pharmacist.

The Possibility of Something New

Even before I lost my job (though I knew it was coming), I was feeling awfully low emotionally and mentally. All I found myself able to write were mini reviews of the books I was plowing through. At least it was something. Still, I felt no satisfaction from these posts, as few of my readers showed any interest in them.

I wanted to write something. I started a post in February, but quickly lost confidence that anyone would read it. My own self-imposed deadline passed and I didn’t feel the post was worth anything after that.

Then, in March, I saw a post in the closed Facebook group for members of the Chronic Illness Bloggers Network, which I joined in November 2016. It was a post looking for guest writers for a chronic illness support group called The Unchargeables. I’d never heard of this group before. But I figured maybe if I could submit the post I’d already started working on, I’d at least be able to start writing again.

So I did. You can read my post here!

The Strength to Start Over

When I submitted my post to The Unchargeables, I volunteered to be a regular writer. My goal was to write something for them once a month. Shortly after I joined, however, the group was looking to add another editor. Although I had no “official” experience in editing, I write enough that I felt comfortable being able to edit the work of others. Plus, they were looking for someone who knew how to use WordPress, which is what I’ve been using for two years to write this blog!

Within a few weeks of joining the editing team at The Unchargeables, I took on the volunteer position of website coordinator, or essentially editor-in-chief, for the blog. I do some editing as well as assign articles to other members of our editing team to be edited and then published on the website. When members of the writing team or guest authors submit posts, I coordinate who is editing what and when each article goes up on the website. I’m technically still a contributing writer as well, but this new position takes up enough time that I don’t have much time to write anymore. I also work to recruit new regular and guest writers. (Anyone interested? Talk to me!)

Am I at all qualified for this position? No. I didn’t even take a single English or writing class in college. (Admittedly, that was because I tested out of all three required classes by scoring a 5 on the AP English Literature exam). My only degree is a PharmD, a Doctor of Pharmacy. Everything I know about blogging is self-taught.

But for what may be the first time in my life, I feel valued for my skills. I feel appreciated. I feel like I’m doing something that matters. An added bonus is that every single person who is involved with The Unchargeables at any level suffers from chronic illness of some kind. So I feel understood and, again, appreciated for what I am able to do despite my limitations. It’s not exactly a career, but it matters.

The other day, I was talking with our fearless leader. She said to me, “I hope you stay with me very, very long.”

Maybe this is where I should have been all along.

💛ribbonrx