What if I can’t?

I can’t stop worrying about the future, even though I know it’s in God’s hands. I’m not sure what He wants me to do, and right now it scares me. I have a huge decision to make that I don’t know if I’m capable of making.

I can’t find anything that makes me happy. Things that used to make me happy no longer give me any sense of joy whatsoever. I even put out some Christmas decorations and am listening to some Christmas music, which usually puts me in a delightful mood. Not so this year.

The truth is, I’ve been in a serious funk ever since my return to work turned disastrous.  I know from the way I feel that I still need to be on leave. I mean, the two hours I spent yesterday putting out some decorations resulted in me sleeping for a solid 12 hours last night. And I could have slept longer, but I don’t want to get back into a night shift sleep schedule, so I forced myself to get up today despite still being so exhausted I could barely move. Otherwise I’d probably still be in bed. But does anybody really understand that? I get that I’m of no use to my workplace, but do they really understand why?

This inability to do pretty much anything is taking its toll on me. I’ll suddenly find myself crying for no particular reason other than that I just feel so sad all the time. And I try to be happy, I really do.

• I spend time snuggling with and petting my cats, which they say reduces stress levels. I love being able to make Zoe turn into a purring, melting pat of butter on my lap as she rolls around to make sure I’m scratching all her favorite spots (tummy, back, head.) Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) she follows me around the house, meowing at me until I pick her up and start spoiling her. Furry toddler indeed.
• Christmas music has always made me happy. A lot of the music (mainly The Carpenters “Christmas Portrait”, thanks Mom) reminds me of Christmases from when I was growing up and those were always the happiest times of my life. Between holiday choir and band concerts, holiday dance performances, and the few years I was in The Nutcracker, my memories are full of things I loved to do. Not to mention driving through the snowy countryside on Christmas Day to Grandma and Grandpa’s most years (or my aunt and uncle’s some years.) But the memories make me feel sad because I was happy then, but now, being a childless adult makes the holidays go by without much fanfare or joy. I guess having a job where I work either Thanksgiving or Christmas every year doesn’t help things. And although I hate to speak ill of our 16th president, come on, Mr. Lincoln, why would you pick a Thursday for a national holiday?

I hate daytime, but I feel so hopeless at night. Especially when it gets to be really late and I realize I’ve just gone through another day of a whole lot of nothing. I don’t think anyone knows how to help me. At least they’ve stopped trying. Which I guess is part of the reason I feel so hopeless. I feel like I’m all alone in this because nobody knows what to say or do.

So how do I get through this by myself? I don’t know what to do. I can’t just snap out of it; depression doesn’t work that way. Healing doesn’t work that way either. I can’t make myself be happy or make myself be better. I just feel like my train keeps derailing every time it gets back on the tracks. And as a result, the light at the end of the tunnel is not getting any closer at all.

If only I could make happiness appear out of thin air…

?ribbonrx