What Do You Want Me to Say?

What Do You Want Me to Say?

It’s difficult to explain what it’s like to those who don’t know, which is most of you.

How do you explain what it feels like to feel sick almost all the time? To feel so run down you’d swear you caught a virus or something. But no, that’s just your normal state of being now.

How to you explain what it feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop? When you’re having a good day, but it’s only a matter of time before you’re flat on your back again, cursing the world and everything in it.

imageHow do you explain what it feels like when the world moves on without you? People are getting on with their lives, getting married, having babies, going on adventures, and here you are, stuck at home, unable to work, unable to even leave the house. The most exciting part of my day is walking to the bottom of the driveway to get the mail.

How do you explain what it feels like when you feel you have nothing to live for? I’m a useless wife. I’m not a mom. I don’t know if I ever can be or will be a mom.

How do you explain what it feels like not to be able (at least currently) to conceive a child? It’s a heartbreak I’ve been bearing for nearly three years. And I’m so close to giving up, because I don’t know how much more disappointment I can handle.

How do you explain what it feels like to always be in physical pain? Not a moment goes by that I’m not feeling pain somewhere. You all may experience periodic pain, but you have no idea what it’s like for your senses to be assaulted by pain every waking moment.  Because let me tell you, it wears on you after awhile, once you realize there is no escape.

How do you explain what it feels like to want to escape forever? To lie down, fall asleep, and never wake up. I can describe that in one word: bliss. Because I know where I’m going. And I really can’t wait to get there; if it means giving up everything I have here on earth, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t get there of my own accord. God has to take me there at a time of His choosing, not mine.

imageHow do you explain what it feels like to be worthless at the feet of your Savior and King? When you have nothing to offer Him but the shattered pieces of your life that you can’t hold together anymore. When you feel like there is no possible way He could use you or redeem you anymore. That you’ve already failed Him enough times and that this hell of a life you’ve been given must be a punishment for some horrible thing you did, except you don’t even know what that horrible thing was.

If one day, my life just stopped, would it make a difference to anyone? My coworkers have already worked two months without me, so they’re used to me being gone already. Bonus points for them. I doubt they’d care if I never came back. I barely see my family anymore, so I’m sure they’d get used to it. David’s hardly ever home anymore, so he’d be fine.

Let me end this by saying you don’t need to worry about me. I’m not suicidal. Maybe passively, but I would never take the action. I just wish I weren’t here anymore. Maybe something will go wrong during my brain surgery in two weeks and I’ll be granted my wish.

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0 thoughts on “What Do You Want Me to Say?

  1. I’m sorry you’re at such a low point. Chronic pain and illness is never easy, I know from experience how lonely and scary this can all be and I’m SO sorry you’re at a low. I did just want to write to say, please know that you are not worthless and you have much to offer not only to the Lord, but to those of us who read your blog and journey with you. Not all of us can write as well as you do, not all of us are strong enough to bare our pain and our lives and our suffering. Your blog has helped me tremendously, it has helped me feel less alone and while it may seem odd, since I don’t personally know you IRL, I feel like I am walking with you in a joint quest for ending our chronic pain and hopefully our depression and anxiety. I am certain I’m not alone and that others find inspiration in your bravery and your strength, even if it’s hard for you to see it at the moment. I hope in some small way these words help you see how important you are, and how much value you are still adding to this often crazy world. Thank you again for writing this blog. I hope you are well very soon!

  2. First, I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. Just from reading this, you seem like a very kind and genuine individual. Please know that you are not alone in your struggles. Also, thank you for following my blog. I wish you all the best!

  3. ((((Gentle Hugs))))
    You are not alone, so not alone. Some nights I pray that morning never comes! Doesn’t mean I’m suicidal, just means I am tired of this life under these conditions.
    Excellent post! You made me feel not so alone in my posts too, because I don’t have answers either. ?

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