I’m going to try something a little different here. Last year was a rough year for me due to medical problems I had. I poured out my heart and soul into my personal journals, which were my lifeline keeping me somewhat grounded. To give you an idea of what it was really like to go through all that I did, the rest of this entry is only direct quotes from my journals. I plan to do this every month this year.
Welcome to the inside of my head and heart. Be warned, this is honest and raw.
Trigger warning: self-harm, depression, infertility
January 1, 2016: “Well, here’s to hoping for a good 2016. I hope it’s better than last year.” Continue reading “2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: January”
Finally, a post that’s not about dry medical procedures and appointments! I’m not expecting this post to be much of anything, though. I just need an outlet to get my thoughts together.
Since my appointment with Dr. J the first week of January, I’ve made the specified modifications he asked me to do to help me feel better. But it’s not all physical things I’m dealing with. My emotions are all over the place right now, going from angry to sad to…nothing, I guess. So how am I doing, really? Continue reading “Modifications and Coping”
Start humming “Auld Lang Syne.” (Seriously, just work with me here.)
“Your grace will never be forgot
Your mercy all my life
Will be my soul’s forever song
My story and my light…”
It’s easy for me to sit here and bash 2016 for what a horrendous year it was. I’ve already done a pretty good job of that in my personal journal.
I am not yet done grieving the past year and what it did to me. But I would be remiss if I said that nothing good came out of this year. I almost have to grit my teeth saying that, because I want nothing more than to scream and cry and release some serious emotions about this trash heap of a year. But not knowing what is to come in 2017, maybe 2016 can at least go out on a high note.
So what have I gained from all of the nonsense of 2016? What good did I get out of everything I went through? Continue reading “For All That You Have Done”
“It’s hard to find motivation to do anything at times like this. It’s hard to cope or to even see through the fog at all when your mind is so focused on something that it wants so much. Recover. Not just physically, but emotionally. Let things settle, and yes, that means let it all out. Grieve. This is a grieving process.” ~London Blogger Friend
London Blogger Friend and I don’t actually know each other. We just follow each other’s blogs. But we’ve developed an interesting relationship in that we somehow understand each other, even though we’re going through vastly different, yet somewhat similar, life battles at present. The comments we leave each other on blog posts are often long enough to be blog posts themselves. We’re somehow invested in each other and each other’s well being, despite the fact that I don’t even know her name, and I’m not sure if she knows mine.
She gave me the above advice recently regarding my ongoing struggle with infertility, which always becomes an open wound at the holidays, especially this year. Because this was supposed to be the year. Guaranteed. But because nothing good can happen to me in regards to health for the last four years…and I’m not sure how optimistic I am about next year either.
So this is me, letting it all out.
Continue reading “Let It All Come Out”
I once had a coworker tell me, “We just want the old Laura back.” It was at a time earlier this year when I went on my first continuous leave from work in the hopes that the rest would break the cycle of migraines I had found myself in. Everyone knew that something was wrong and that I wasn’t my usual self. What no one knew then was that it was the beginning of something far more insidious that I am still dealing with the effects of today.
What was the old Laura like? She was dedicated to her job and tried to make her coworkers laugh to release the tension that comes from working with sick kids. She wouldn’t take a break unless all the work was done, which led to sacrificing dinner almost every single shift. She would pick up overtime when we were short-staffed. She was reliable and felt like she was a valuable part of a team.
But the old Laura is gone. The point of no return has been passed and she’s likely never coming back. Yet the new Laura struggles every day to try to figure out who she is and where she belongs in the world now. Continue reading “Identity Crisis”
Sorry men, this post may be too much for you. Unless you’re used to being around angry uteruses.
Right now my uterus is angry. Feisty. Rebellious. And just generally pissed off. The result of which is why I am awake at 3:30 am when I’m really tired and just want to sleep. But no. The drama queen is awake and active. Continue reading “An Angry Uterus”
Last night, after hiding in my bedroom to avoid trick-or-treaters (Halloween is the worst when you’re having fertility problems), I received a huge shock in the form of an email stating that a past blog post from August I submitted a week and a half ago was published on The Mighty! I was absolutely floored that my first submission was accepted! You can read it here! The original post can be found here.
This post is especially fitting since it’s about being thankful for what I have despite my chronic illnesses. My life is very doom and gloom right now, but re-reading that post in light of all that is going wrong in my life at the moment made me remember that despite all that, some things are going right.
Perhaps this is something we all need to remember as we enter the holiday season: thankfulness for what we have.