It’s 3 am. I was so far behind on sleep from the last few days of not being able to sleep hardly at all that, having gotten up at 7 am when David left for work, I slept from 3 pm-12:30 am. (David snuck in and took that picture when he got home. He let me sleep because Nala and Aurora {the tabby and the white one down my my feet; the other white one is Casper} are my rescue kitties- they sleep with me when I’m not feeling well, so he knew not to disturb me.) Given my sleep schedule, maybe I should be an Australian instead. G’day to my Australian readers! Either way, I’m pretty awake right now, although waiting for some sleep meds to kick in, which usually takes about 2 hours for me. Hopefully this time I don’t have dreams about being in the emergency room and needing to be airlifted to a higher center of care (especially because based on where I work, there is no higher center of care. If we can’t save you, you’re dead.)

Aside from weird sleep schedules, my main issue right now is dizziness. I’ve been dizzy all day thanks to Mini (my brain tumor to my newer followers). Mini has 35 days to live until being taken out of my body through my nose (that’s brain surgery y’all). Until then, I can’t work or go anywhere because the dizziness is so unpredictable I don’t trust myself to drive. I haven’t driven in 2 months, since that disastrous night shift when I had to call a coworker in during the middle of the night to finish the shift. I drove home at 3 am, dry heaving into a Ziploc bag. Longest 27 miles of my life. That was also the last day I worked, June 10th. I’ve been on disability ever since.

I just hate feeling so helpless. I wish I could do things on my own. I want to go to the salon since I’m overdue and feel yucky about myself and how I look and my stylist Jen always makes me feel like a million bucks. Maybe I can schedule something next week in the evening when David is home so he can take me. Or I could attempt to take myself if I’m feeling ok; it’s only 5 miles away. I don’t know how I’m going to get to the dentist next week, but I’ve had to reschedule that appointment every month since January (thanks to my wonderful chronic illnesses) so I’m way overdue for a cleaning. But that’s also only 5 miles away. I ended up cancelling my psych appointment for next week though because I don’t trust myself to drive all the way to the hospital through hospital rush hour with the unpredictability of this dizziness. I’m basically being held hostage in my house by my brain. It’s a very weird and depressing thing. I look forward every day to walking to the end of my driveway to get the mail. That’s pretty much all I can manage.

I wish these meds would kick in for the dizziness. All I have is Benadryl and meclizine. They don’t really work, so I don’t know why I bother taking them when I get this dizzy. Just wishful thinking, perhaps, that maybe one time they will work? Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing the same way over and over again and expecting a different result? Something like that. I know it’s a bad day when I have to wall-walk through the house for fear of keeling over and suddenly finding myself sprawled on the floor.

But I need to keep my chin up. Soon this will all be over and I will, by the grace of God, be back to my normal self, which I haven’t been in a very long time. Maybe I can still get a good few months out of 2016, since they’ve all been real clinkers so far. My devotionals over the past few days have all seemed to be focused on enduring trials. Not a coincidence. The Lord is telling me I’m almost there, I just need to keep fighting for just a little longer. So fight on I will. I will praise Him for these trials because they’ve enabled me to grow in my faith and draw closer to my Savior and my God.

So here’s a song I think is very fitting for the moment. It brings me back to college, definitely. Here is Aaron Shust singing My Savior, My God.

“My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior’s always there for me. My God He was, my God He is, my God He’s always gonna be!”

Still dizzy. Nothing’s working. And I feel a headache coming on. But I’m going to try to go to sleep now. Hopefully the room will stop lurching around then.

? ribbonrx