Way behind in publishing this, but I still want to continue this series.
Last year was a rough year for me due to all the medical problems I had. I poured out my heart and soul into my personal journals, which were my lifeline keeping me somewhat grounded. To give you an idea of what it was really like to go through all that I did, the rest of this entry is only direct quotes from my journals. I plan to do this every month this year. If you want to read January first to set the stage, you can find it here.
Welcome to the inside of my head and heart. Be warned, this is honest and raw.
Trigger warning: depression, discussion of death
February 3, 2016: “Basically, I can’t think of any convincing reason to stay alive…Maybe, if I’m lucky, I have a brain tumor. Although the chances of that are basically zero. I’m sure these headaches are just due to significant stress…Although I’m not saying that I don’t still want to die. It would be the most excellent release from everything I’m going through.”
February 6, 2016: “Is it really just the depression causing [the headaches]? The timing seems right, but it just seems to me like something else is going on.”
February 7, 2016: “Believe me, I want the old me back, too. Although at this point, I’m not sure what the old me actually is. Are we talking about the me prior to the depression and migraines? Or the me before endometriosis? Because even the me post-endo isn’t a very good version of myself. Although I think I hide that well from everyone. I don’t think anyone is aware of the pain I still have from the endo, because I can function well through it.”
February 8, 2016: “Day one of my leave. This feels weird. The only times I’ve ever been on FMLA leave before, I’d had surgery. And so far, I feel good today. So of course I feel guilty because I should be at work. But I need to remember that I need these (hopefully) headache-free days to maybe break the cycle.”
February 11, 2016: “So [neurologist] diagnosed me with status migrainosus, which by definition is a ‘debilitating migraine attack lasting more than 72 hours.’ (Haha, 72 hours vs 6 weeks…) We discussed that the first thing we need to do is break the cycle, which for now will be done (or attempted) with oral meds first. He said if I don’t feel better by Monday to call his nurse to get an outpatient infusion scheduled…It’ll be interesting to see how this turns out. I’m hopeful that all this is going to work, because I just want to feel better. I’m long overdue for some good things.”
February 12, 2016: “I’m feeling a bit down right now. I’m just so tired of feeling like crap all the time. My head’s been mostly ok for the past few hours, but it’s not gone yet. My ovary is starting to hurt again. I hope there’s not anything serious going on in there, but I’m starting to worry about the sudden uptick in ovarian pain over the past few weeks.”
February 14, 2016: “I miss what it’s like not to have a headache of some kind, whether it be a tension headache that can escalate to a migraine or a migraine itself. I find myself hating sunshine because it’s one of my triggers. I do feel lonely and drained and I’m trying to find the energy during these two weeks off to rebuild myself, but it’s hard.”
February 17, 2016: “[Reproductive endocrinologist] is so nice and so awesome! We went through my history and labs and came to the conclusion that my symptoms could be due to atypical PCOS vs hypothalamic amenorrhea vs a prolactinoma (a benign tumor of the pituitary gland, which could explain the headaches.) She wants to get estradiol, FSH, and LH levels (to figure out the first two) and a prolactin level to see about a prolactinoma. After that appointment, we drove the couple miles to the hospital…this infusion ended up being about four hours long. I got at least seven different infusions. The time went by kinda slow, but my pain gradually improved from a 5/10 to 2/10 (although now it’s creeping back up to a 3 or 4…) Wouldn’t it be hilarious if, after all this, I do end up with a brain tumor? Not funny hilarious, but wouldn’t it be fitting? It would certainly explain the headaches…”
February 21, 2016: “I’m just dreading going back to work so much. I think mainly because that place is one of my key triggers, so I’m scared I’m going to relapse back into status.”
February 24, 2016: “I just really want an MRI to be absolutely certain that nothing else is going on…and since I haven’t really improved all that much since the infusions, I’d like to rule out any sort of intracranial process at this time. I just need to know. I’m sure the chances are extremely low, but it has to happen to someone, right? No one ever thinks it will be them, but it’s always someone.”
February 25, 2016: “I woke up at 10 am with what was pretty much the worst headache ever…I called off and we drove to the ED. Dr. H2O came in and we discussed a plan, starting with Compazine and Toradol, getting a CT scan of my head, and consulting neurology. Luckily, the scan came back normal, so they were able to rule out a brain tumor. Dr. H2O said anything large would have shown up, so unless there’s something really tiny on the pituitary, it would have been seen. Neurology recommended increasing my amitriptyline dose to 50 mg and doing a burst of steroids with a taper.”
February 29, 2016: “I truly believe we are following God’s will now. We just need to keep seeking Him as we go through this. It’s all going to turn out just fine. How we’ll get there, I don’t know, but the plan is starting to unfold and I can’t wait to see what happens.”