Nocturnal Musings #21: A Conversation

Nocturnal Musings #21: A Conversation

A lot of people find it hard to believe that God still speaks to us today. But He does. Not in the way He used to in ancient times to the Prophets; if I heard a deep voice bellow my name out of thin air, I think I’d have a heart attack right then and there!

But if you are listening and honestly seeking Him, you can hear Him if He has something to say. My former youth pastor, John, said it like this: “You know how when you’re in a loud, crowded room, and you hear someone you know really well call your name, and you know it’s them without having to turn around? That’s what hearing God’s voice is like. You know it’s Him.”

I have also found I know when the Lord is speaking to me when I’m thinking a question and the answer is given (in that recognizable voice), while I’m still thinking, before I’ve even finished thinking the question. You can’t think two thoughts at the exact same time.

I had such an encounter tonight. I wasn’t going to share this, because it is a private journal entry, but I feel like the Lord wants me to. So here’s the entry in its entirety, with no edits.


April 10, 2017:

Slept all day again. Probably because I really overdid it on Saturday with all the laundry. I thought I would be fine, but apparently not. It’s so frustrating. And I’ve fully salted and hydrated since I woke up and I still am dizzy and feel like crap. I wish I could just have a normal life like other people. I don’t feel “called” to do anything due to my illnesses.

You know what? I’ve basically stopped praying about my illnesses. When I have quiet time, at least, I pray for my walk and my relationship with the Lord, but I don’t pray to be healed anymore. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that once we are really in the Lord’s will, we will…or rather, our hearts will be changed so we will pray what He desires for us, thereby receiving whatever we ask for in His name.

Perhaps I’m not meant to be healed. Maybe that’s why I’ve been sick for so many years already. I was being gently eased into it until now when it’s ever-present…and maybe permanent. Of course, I’ll never know if it’s going to be permanent until the day I die (what a glorious day that will be!) Then I’ll be able to say, “Well, I guess it was.”

But what am I supposed to do? Am I to spend the rest of my life laying in bed, reading, writing, or sleeping all day? How can I continue living like this?

“With My strength,” is what the Lord just told me. That’s true, I guess, because I have none left. None at all. But His power is made perfect in my weakness. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am at the end of myself, so I only have the Lord’s strength to rely on. That’s how I will keep going.

Although what it really means to keep going, I haven’t the foggiest. But that’s for the Lord to know and me to find out, isn’t it?

Lord, will You show me? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to live my life now.

“In My footsteps,” You say.

Ok…will You hold on to my hand?

“I’m already holding it,” You say.

And carry me when I don’t have the strength to walk?

“Of course,” You say. “My child, I love you.”

I love you too, Abba. More than anything. You know my heart, don’t you?

“I made your heart,” You say.

Of course, You did.


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0 thoughts on “Nocturnal Musings #21: A Conversation

  1. I read this the other day but I’ve been really tired and struggling with stuff so I haven’t been able to comment until now.

    This post really helped me. I really related to everything you wrote and the last part was like a reminder that I really needed because I’ve been struggling to communicate with and hear God for the past few months, and I forgot to rely on God’s strength instead of my own. So thank you for sharing this. 🙂

    I don’t really pray for healing anymore, either. Interesting, isn’t it?

    Ever since I read your post, I’ve been trying to take note of whether I get an answer at the same time as my question. Lol. I think I’ve experienced it before but I can’t really remember because of the memory issues caused by chronic illness (and I’ve only been a Christian for almost a year). Anyway, I think this is a handy tip (even though you didn’t write it as a tip) for discerning His voice in the future ^_^

    I’ve actually had God speak to me with a voice that I could hear inside my head, just a handful of times. That was at the very beginning when I knew nothing so maybe that’s what I needed.

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