Four weeks from today is my brain surgery. Yes, I’m still terrified. Yes, I wish I didn’t have to have it. But with each passing day, I’m more and more sure it was the right decision to make.

This has been a rough week for me. Every day I’ve had bouts of dizziness so bad they’ve nearly made me pass out. Today was especially bad. I had to engage in deep breathing exercises just to keep myself standing so I could get up, get the medication I needed, and get back to bed. It was awful. And it took two hours for the medication to kick in before I could even sit up and get out of bed again. At least it worked; I’m grateful for that much.

This brain surgery is hopefully the final step in getting well. I’m looking so forward to just feeling better. What will I do with my life once I’m back to normal?

1. Get back to work. I spent most of this year in and out of work on leaves of absence of varying length. The current one has been two months and counting, and I won’t return to work until October 24th. I miss my coworkers and I hate feeling useless at home and putting so much pressure on them all this time to cover the extra shifts. It’s not fair to them and I hate myself for putting them through it. When you work in a hospital pharmacy, there’s no closing time, so someone always has to be there. Whether it’s daytime when there are five of us on or overnight when there’s only one, the work needs to get done. And it’s been up to them to make sure everything is covered. Not to mention I’d like a full paycheck, please.
2. Appreciate my birthday, which is the Friday of the week I return to work. I’m turning 31. I will have to work this year; I was granted time off but don’t have any hours left in my bank to take it off, so no vacations for me for a long time once I return. Even though a lot of my life goals haven’t been met, like starting a family, I’m at least grateful for another year.
3. Start a family. We’ve been working at this for almost three years, but it keeps getting put on hold due to my health. I really hope this tumor, and removal of said tumor, is the final hurdle to get over that is in our way. We’ll have been married seven years come next May, so I really hope I can at least be pregnant by the end of 2017. Hopefully I don’t look back on this in regret that it didn’t happen. I’ve been disappointed so many times, with each birthday and holiday passing by with no baby to love, that it wouldn’t surprise me, but I hope I’m finally wrong this time.
4. Continue my blog. I’m sure I will be posting far less often, but I want to continue to raise awareness and be a voice for those who haven’t found theirs yet.

I’ve dealt with eight months of the effects of the tumor. I just hope I can get through one more. The struggle is becoming harder with each passing day as my body continues its rebellion.

And this song has been going through my head ever since I saw this video yesterday, so enjoy. I would love to take part in one of these someday. Add it to my bucket list.

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