Nocturnal Musings #10: I Fear the Dark

Nocturnal Musings #10: I Fear the Dark

Not literally. Darkness doesn’t bother me at all. I prefer night time over day time. But of course, it’s almost 4 am and I can’t sleep waiting for this diagnosis. I know what I think, and it’s not good. People tell me to be positive, but I’m being realistic. If the doctors saw something on a scan, it’s almost certain there’s something there. And if there is an aneurysm there, no surgeon in his right mind would try to remove a tumor that is near an aneurysm, even if it’s small. That’s begging for a disaster. And I really don’t want to have a stroke at the age of 30.

Of course, I heard nothing after the scan because I was the last scan of the day. My appointment was at 4 pm, but I didn’t even get into the scanner until around 4:45 pm. So I knew there was no chance I’d find anything out. So I’m stuck waiting. Up all night unable to sleep. Staring at the wall waiting for time to pass.

I fear what this is going to do to me mentally. I’ve waited two months for this surgery and now there’s a very big chance it might not happen next week. And who knows how long it might take to get in to see a neurovascular surgeon? I still can’t work with the symptoms that continue to plague me. Each day brings me closer and closer to possibly losing my job, since it’s no longer protected by federal law. I already feel defeated. I’ve lost several battles, and now I fear I’m losing the war.

Everything is falling apart. I didn’t think it could get much worse than needing brain surgery in the first place, but I’m sadly mistaken.

I know there’s something there. I know it. I’ve learned to trust my gut and my gut is telling me yes.

But what do I do? My mind is becoming more fragile with each thing that goes wrong. I don’t know how much more I can take before I have a real and true mental breakdown.

I should know in a few hours. The nurse said she’d call me in the morning (and it had BETTER be the morning, none of this 4:45 pm crap.) But I understand they’ll need to make a plan first if the worst is indeed realized. Which my gut tells me it will be.

I fear the dark places my mind is on its way to…

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