I’m going to try something a little different here. Last year was a rough year for me due to medical problems I had. I poured out my heart and soul into my personal journals, which were my lifeline keeping me somewhat grounded. To give you an idea of what it was really like to go through all that I did, the rest of this entry is only direct quotes from my journals. I plan to do this every month this year.
Welcome to the inside of my head and heart. Be warned, this is honest and raw.
Trigger warning: self-harm, depression, infertility
January 1, 2016: “Well, here’s to hoping for a good 2016. I hope it’s better than last year.”
January 6, 2016: “Well, yesterday was quite a crappy day. I woke up at 5 am with a bad migraine; bad enough that I decided to go to the ED…”
January 9, 2016: “Well, it’s official. Progesterone level came back low enough to indicate no ovulation has occurred. So now Dr. OB/GYN says we definitely need to see fertility specialists…I never believed that the Clomid would work for me, despite the reassurances of Dr. OB/GYN and other women who have taken it. There’s something much more wrong with my body than we know about right now and it’s just making things very complicated.”
January 10, 2016: “Is it something I’m doing wrong? Am I doing something that’s making me not ovulate? Or has this been a problem all along and I just never knew about it? I’m no longer hopeful that we’ll have a baby by the end of this year. I certainly hope we will at least be pregnant, but I think it’s going to take a lot more time than we originally thought.”
January 16, 2016: “And maybe the next time I see our Christmas tree, a baby will be on the way.”
January 19, 2016: “I wasn’t strong enough…I cut myself. The usual streaks, but then I added ‘FAILURE’…and I don’t care.”
January 20, 2016: “I don’t like feeling this way. Not just the headaches and all the other stuff. I mean the depression, too. It’s really reared its ugly head over the past several weeks since these headaches started, I think just because I’m so upset that these headaches are never ending. I mean, I feel ok at this exact moment, but who knows how long it’s going to last? I’m trying not to be too pessimistic, but when they keep coming back every single day, it’s hard to be at all optimistic. This depression is awful. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do to make it better.”
January 22, 2016: “But that just proves that material things can’t make your life happy, like really happy. I’m thankful we have all those things, but they don’t necessarily contribute to my overall sense of happiness. Yes, we’re blessed. Yes, we have many things that a lot of people don’t. But I’m not happy. I have this underlying sadness that I know can only be filled with one thing: a baby. I want to be a mother. I deserve to be a mother. I think I’ll be a good mother. So why can’t I have the one thing to make me happy?”
January 23, 2016: “This is really blowing my mind. Why does this keep happening? I can’t think of anything else I can do to help myself. I am so sick and tired of having one problem after another after another. I can’t stand feeling sick all the time. I just want to feel well. I don’t know what to do. I’m doing everything I can think of. Certain things help sometimes, but nothing lasts. I have a headache 24/7 and it escalates into a migraine almost every day, sometimes multiple times in one day. This isn’t any way to live. I just want this to end. I just want to feel better.”
January 26, 2016: “But mostly I’m just so depressed. I want to cut so badly. I was holding the box cutter in my hand, sitting on the hearth, bawling my eyes out. Then Nala came to sit on my lap…I had David call me to tell me to stop. So I haven’t hurt myself yet even though I really want to…And now Aurora has taken up the rest of my lap. As long as they can keep me pinned down I should be ok…I still haven’t told anyone [about the depression] other than my family and we haven’t told David’s parents. I guess I just kind of feel ashamed that I can’t just snap out of it, know what I mean? There’s always been a stigma associated with mental health disorders. I don’t even know if telling anyone would help. Probably not, because it’s hard for other people to understand unless they’ve been there.”
January 27, 2016: “And I don’t know whether people care to not notice, or if they don’t notice at all. I can understand people not knowing about the depression because I am able to hide that very well in public. I think when people notice any of the above things, they just don’t care to make note of it. Just one more thing wrong with Laura. Either they don’t care and think I’m a hypochondriac, or they just plain couldn’t care less.”
January 29, 2016: “I cut last night. I now have LOSER carved into my arm along with FAILURE. I’m such a horrible person. I didn’t even tell David I was feeling the urge because I wanted to do it so badly. I’m so terrible. I guess I was just feeling so bad after work that I just needed a release, even though it was in an unhealthy way.”
January 31, 2016: “I guess it just made me realize how much more I may have to go through. I’ve always known that, but as our [reproductive endocrinology] appointment gets closer (only 16 days away now), I’m getting more and more apprehensive about what the future may hold. Will we be able to just dive right into treatments starting in March, or will there be other things that could delay that even further?”