2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: January

2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: January

I’m going to try something a little different here. Last year was a rough year for me due to medical problems I had. I poured out my heart and soul into my personal journals, which were my lifeline keeping me somewhat grounded. To give you an idea of what it was really like to go through all that I did, the rest of this entry is only direct quotes from my journals. I plan to do this every month this year.

Welcome to the inside of my head and heart. Be warned, this is honest and raw.

Trigger warning: self-harm, depression, infertility

January 1, 2016: “Well, here’s to hoping for a good 2016. I hope it’s better than last year.”

January 6, 2016: “Well, yesterday was quite a crappy day. I woke up at 5 am with a bad migraine; bad enough that I decided to go to the ED…”

January 9, 2016: “Well, it’s official. Progesterone level came back low enough to indicate no ovulation has occurred. So now Dr. OB/GYN says we definitely need to see fertility specialists…I never believed that the Clomid would work for me, despite the reassurances of Dr. OB/GYN and other women who have taken it. There’s something much more wrong with my body than we know about right now and it’s just making things very complicated.”

January 10, 2016: “Is it something I’m doing wrong? Am I doing something that’s making me not ovulate? Or has this been a problem all along and I just never knew about it? I’m no longer hopeful that we’ll have a baby by the end of this year. I certainly hope we will at least be pregnant, but I think it’s going to take a lot more time than we originally thought.”

January 18, 2016

January 16, 2016: “And maybe the next time I see our Christmas tree, a baby will be on the way.”

January 19, 2016: “I wasn’t strong enough…I cut myself. The usual streaks, but then I added ‘FAILURE’…and I don’t care.”

January 20, 2016: “I don’t like feeling this way. Not just the headaches and all the other stuff. I mean the depression, too. It’s really reared its ugly head over the past several weeks since these headaches started, I think just because I’m so upset that these headaches are never ending. I mean, I feel ok at this exact moment, but who knows how long it’s going to last? I’m trying not to be too pessimistic, but when they keep coming back every single day, it’s hard to be at all optimistic. This depression is awful. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do to make it better.”

January 22, 2016: “But that just proves that material things can’t make your life happy, like really happy. I’m thankful we have all those things, but they don’t necessarily contribute to my overall sense of happiness. Yes, we’re blessed. Yes, we have many things that a lot of people don’t. But I’m not happy. I have this underlying sadness that I know can only be filled with one thing: a baby. I want to be a mother. I deserve to be a mother. I think I’ll be a good mother. So why can’t I have the one thing to make me happy?”

January 23, 2016: “This is really blowing my mind. Why does this keep happening? I can’t think of anything else I can do to help myself. I am so sick and tired of having one problem after another after another. I can’t stand feeling sick all the time. I just want to feel well. I don’t know what to do. I’m doing everything I can think of. Certain things help sometimes, but nothing lasts. I have a headache 24/7 and it escalates into a migraine almost every day, sometimes multiple times in one day. This isn’t any way to live. I just want this to end. I just want to feel better.”

January 26, 2016- Nala the guard cat

January 26, 2016: “But mostly I’m just so depressed. I want to cut so badly. I was holding the box cutter in my hand, sitting on the hearth, bawling my eyes out. Then Nala came to sit on my lap…I had David call me to tell me to stop. So I haven’t hurt myself yet even though I really want to…And now Aurora has taken up the rest of my lap. As long as they can keep me pinned down I should be ok…I still haven’t told anyone [about the depression] other than my family and we haven’t told David’s parents. I guess I just kind of feel ashamed that I can’t just snap out of it, know what I mean? There’s always been a stigma associated with mental health disorders. I don’t even know if telling anyone would help. Probably not, because it’s hard for other people to understand unless they’ve been there.”

January 27, 2016: “And I don’t know whether people care to not notice, or if they don’t notice at all. I can understand people not knowing about the depression because I am able to hide that very well in public. I think when people notice any of the above things, they just don’t care to make note of it. Just one more thing wrong with Laura. Either they don’t care and think I’m a hypochondriac, or they just plain couldn’t care less.”

January 29, 2016: “I cut last night. I now have LOSER carved into my arm along with FAILURE. I’m such a horrible person. I didn’t even tell David I was feeling the urge because I wanted to do it so badly. I’m so terrible. I guess I was just feeling so bad after work that I just needed a release, even though it was in an unhealthy way.”

January 31, 2016: “I guess it just made me realize how much more I may have to go through. I’ve always known that, but as our [reproductive endocrinology] appointment gets closer (only 16 days away now), I’m getting more and more apprehensive about what the future may hold. Will we be able to just dive right into treatments starting in March, or will there be other things that could delay that even further?”


8 thoughts on “2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: January

    1. Thank you, Kirsten. I know this was probably hard to read. I had debated doing this for a long time and decided it just needed to be done. I want to show people the realities of living with chronic illnesses and the effects they can have on mental health. There is so much stigma surrounding mental health that needs to be broken. I’m doing my part by bearing my most personal, private thoughts to show people these things are real. I hope, at some level, it can be helpful to others. ❤

  1. You are so courageous for sharing your private journal entries with us. You’ve inspired me to do the same. I will credit you when I do. I, too, have a history of self-harm. Mine was in the form of picking acne on my face. Excoriated acne they call it. I thank you for your raw honesty. My concern is, how are you doing year later, may I ask? I pray God surrounds you with peace and His love. Psalm 56:8 – “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

    1. Thank you for your kind words! I was hoping by doing this, I could encourage others to knock down their own walls and the stigmas that surround self harm and depression.
      A year later, I am doing well from that perspective. I have not harmed since April. ? I still battle with depression, but lately I have found not necessarily happiness, but contentment in the Lord. I have truly learned the meaning of what Paul was saying in Philippians 4:12-13 (since so many people take verse 13 out of context because they ignore verse 12): “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
      Thank you for your prayers, and I will pray for you as well!??

      1. Glory to God. Your story is helping and encouraging others. Excellent verses. Paul was so filled with the Holy Spirit and I’ve learned a lot from his letters. If I’m recalling correctly he spent most of his time imprisoned when he wrote his letters. Thank you, Lord. And thanks for your prayers as well. I continue to pray for your IJN.

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