2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: February

Way behind in publishing this, but I still want to continue this series.

Last year was a rough year for me due to all the medical problems I had. I poured out my heart and soul into my personal journals, which were my lifeline keeping me somewhat grounded. To give you an idea of what it was really like to go through all that I did, the rest of this entry is only direct quotes from my journals. I plan to do this every month this year. If you want to read January first to set the stage, you can find it here.

Welcome to the inside of my head and heart. Be warned, this is honest and raw.

Trigger warning: depression, discussion of death

February 3, 2016: “Basically, I can’t think of any convincing reason to stay alive…Maybe, if I’m lucky, I have a brain tumor. Although the chances of that are basically zero. I’m sure these headaches are just due to significant stress…Although I’m not saying that I don’t still want to die. It would be the most excellent release from everything I’m going through.” Continue reading “2016, In the Style of Personal Journals: February”

A Day With Dysautonomia

What’s it like to have dysautonomia? Let me take you through a day in my compression socks so you have some idea of what I fight through on a daily basis.

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Heart rate after brushing teeth

Imagine it’s a new day. You wake up and get out of bed. You do your business and then brush your teeth (with an electric toothbrush, by the way.)Β As you’re doing this, you place two of your fingers over your carotid artery. Your heart rate is rapid, probably in the 120s, maybe pushing 130. And all you’re doing is standing up, brushing your teeth. Continue reading “A Day With Dysautonomia”

For All That You Have Done

Start humming “Auld Lang Syne.” (Seriously, just work with me here.)

“Your grace will never be forgot
Your mercy all my life
Will be my soul’s forever song
My story and my light…”

It’s easy for me to sit here and bash 2016 for what a horrendous year it was. I’ve already done a pretty good job of that in my personal journal.

I am not yet done grieving the past year and what it did to me. But I would be remiss if I said that nothing good came out of this year. I almost have to grit my teeth saying that, because I want nothing more than to scream and cry and release some serious emotions about this trash heap of a year. But not knowing what is to come in 2017, maybe 2016 can at least go out on a high note.

So what have I gained from all of the nonsense of 2016? What good did I get out of everything I went through? Continue reading “For All That You Have Done”

Nocturnal Musings #17: Flashbacks

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these. Not that I’m having problems with insomnia currently, just that I’m sleeping from roughly 8 am to 4 pm because that’s what my body does when left to its own devices. So indeed, at this hour, I am still awake.

I need to get some disturbing memories and emotions out. Don’t worry, they likely won’t be disturbing to anyone but myself. But if you also have flashbacks to troubling medical memories, proceed with caution. Continue reading “Nocturnal Musings #17: Flashbacks”