I’m in denial about something. Although it’s not something you’d think any person would be in denial about.
Obviously, I’m unwell. POTS has taken over my life in a bad way. I’m trying to get better, but the prognosis isn’t all that great. I may never fully recover, but I’m not in denial about it. That’s just a reality I need to accept.
I’m in denial about having a baby.
A weird thing to say. And I don’t mean that I think I can’t have a baby. From what I can tell, my body is back to functioning normally in that regard since the tumor was removed seven months ago. Perhaps, after three years of fiddling around with various parts of my body, from my lady parts to my brain, the necessary parts are finally beginning to behave. My only concerns are the effects that adenomyosis and the EDS/hEDS/HSD might have on contributing to premature labor.
But what I really mean is…I don’t think I can handle a baby.
What I’m in denial about is my ability to take care of a child.
Take this morning, for example. I woke up early because I went to bed early last night after another 24-hour stint awake. I felt (and still do feel) sick. My POTS is flaring. I woke up and felt like I was about to pass out (not fall back asleep, but pass out.) My arms were tingling, my chest was burning (not like heartburn). My head felt so weird. I was almost unable to move. This is an indication to me that I’m dangerously dehydrated and need fluids and salt immediately (despite the fact that I didn’t sleep for very long and spent a full 24 hours yesterday hydrating.) David had just left for work.
So what would I have done if a baby had started crying just then? Especially if he or she were upstairs? (Our master bedroom is on the first floor, which has turned out to be a godsend for me.) Even if I could have gotten to the baby, I may have passed out while holding it.
I know you can lay babies down and let them cry for a bit and it won’t hurt them, however painful it may be to your heart. But what about once they’re mobile? You’d have to be crazy to think that I could in any possible way chase a toddler all over the place. My only thought is to either make our bedroom a play area, so I can rest while watching and interacting with the child, or to have a bed or something in a playroom of sorts for the same purpose. It would be baby and mommy’s special play area.
But is any of this even realistically feasible? I really don’t think so. Which is why I’m in denial about ever actually having a child. How can I take care of a child when I have to spend all my energy and effort just taking care of myself?
Darn it, I didn’t think this would make me cry…