I feel down. I can’t stand this brain fog. It’s probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and one of the worst parts of dysautonomia/POTS. I’m used to having a sharp, functioning mind that could multi-task. Now I’ll think of something, get out of bed, and then not be able to remember why I got out of bed. I can’t really have thoughtful conversation, even when I’m talking to David. I’ll be talking and then stop mid-sentence. After about 15 seconds, David will ask, “Is your brain fogging?” And I just nod, sad and quiet. Additionally, I can’t write very well anymore, which is why I haven’t posted any original material in awhile.
I almost don’t recognize myself anymore.
Who am I now? What worth do I have? I’m a useless wife. Wow, so I can do laundry, spread out over three days, big whoop. I can’t even clean my house. I haven’t worked in eight months. I wonder if I ever will again.
My blog is beginning to backslide because my brain fog is so bad, I can’t create any decent posts. No one but a few loyal blogger friends even read it anymore. And since my blog is basically the only thing that gives me any purpose whatsoever, I’ve pretty much completely lost my self-worth.
Ok, I’m a child of God, but what does that matter if my whole identity, everything I used to be, has been taken away and replaced with…nothing? I’m now a completely useless human being. I’m not a mom. I’m a terrible wife. So why am I here?
God, why did You let this happen to me? What is my purpose now? I have no reason to be here, so why am I still alive? Why haven’t You just done me in yet? How could You have any use for someone like me? I thought blogging was supposed to be my thing now, helping other people, but I can’t even do that anymore because I can’t think! And I’ve lost all my friends; no one outside my family even gives a rip about the disaster that is my life. They’ve all walked away, as I knew they eventually would, even though I was hoping against hope they wouldn’t.
Why can’t I just die? I can’t stand my own existence anymore. My life consists of drinking Gatorade and water, taking salt tablets, and laying in bed. I can’t do a darn thing until I’ve ingested at least 5 grams of sodium and a gallon of Gatorade. I spend my entire day consuming all these liquids and salt to make myself feel better. For what? Because by the time I start to feel even remotely better 8-10 hours after I started, it’s time to go to bed and do it all over again the next day. FOR WHAT? What is my purpose? Nothing I do helps the brain fog. I’m just…existing. For no reason whatsoever.
THIS IS MY LIFE. WHO WANTS IT?
What am I supposed to do now? I have no purpose. Everything has been taken away. Who would want to live a life like this?