An Existence I Don’t Want

An Existence I Don’t Want

I feel down. I can’t stand this brain fog. It’s probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and one of the worst parts of dysautonomia/POTS. I’m used to having a sharp, functioning mind that could multi-task. Now I’ll think of something, get out of bed, and then not be able to remember why I got out of bed. I can’t really have thoughtful conversation, even when I’m talking to David. I’ll be talking and then stop mid-sentence. After about 15 seconds, David will ask, “Is your brain fogging?” And I just nod, sad and quiet. Additionally, I can’t write very well anymore, which is why I haven’t posted any original material in awhile.

I almost don’t recognize myself anymore.

Who am I now? What worth do I have? I’m a useless wife. Wow, so I can do laundry, spread out over three days, big whoop. I can’t even clean my house. I haven’t worked in eight months. I wonder if I ever will again.

My blog is beginning to backslide because my brain fog is so bad, I can’t create any decent posts. No one but a few loyal blogger friends even read it anymore. And since my blog is basically the only thing that gives me any purpose whatsoever, I’ve pretty much completely lost my self-worth.

Ok, I’m a child of God, but what does that matter if my whole identity, everything I used to be, has been taken away and replaced with…nothing? I’m now a completely useless human being. I’m not a mom. I’m a terrible wife. So why am I here?

God, why did You let this happen to me? What is my purpose now? I have no reason to be here, so why am I still alive? Why haven’t You just done me in yet? How could You have any use for someone like me? I thought blogging was supposed to be my thing now, helping other people, but I can’t even do that anymore because I can’t think! And I’ve lost all my friends; no one outside my family even gives a rip about the disaster that is my life. They’ve all walked away, as I knew they eventually would, even though I was hoping against hope they wouldn’t.

Why can’t I just die? I can’t stand my own existence anymore. My life consists of drinking Gatorade and water, taking salt tablets, and laying in bed. I can’t do a darn thing until I’ve ingested at least 5 grams of sodium and a gallon of Gatorade. I spend my entire day consuming all these liquids and salt to make myself feel better. For what? Because by the time I start to feel even remotely better 8-10 hours after I started, it’s time to go to bed and do it all over again the next day. FOR WHAT? What is my purpose? Nothing I do helps the brain fog. I’m just…existing. For no reason whatsoever.

THIS IS MY LIFE. WHO WANTS IT?

What am I supposed to do now? I have no purpose. Everything has been taken away. Who would want to live a life like this?

?ribbonrx

0 thoughts on “An Existence I Don’t Want

  1. Though I don’t have a solution for you, hopefully you can take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. I feel the same exact way. In fact, I also even have a blog post scheduled, talking about it. You’re not alone, friend. <3

  2. I seriously feel exactly the same way! Reading your post was like reading my own thoughts. I wish I had a miracle answer that made everything better…but what I can offer, if you want, is to email me directly. I have a very good friend I met through my blog and I don’t know what I’d do without her! We share our frustrations, offer encouragement and our thoughts. I probably talk to her more than anyone else and I live with my mom and sister. So, if you want to give it a go…lol….no pressure. Visit my contact me page and shoot me an email..we can go from there. But, even if I don’t hear from you…I’m sending you a virtual hug…right…now. ❤❤

  3. Maybe when your brain is fogging up, David could write a piece for you so you don’t feel as though your blog is slipping.
    Continue to take wonderful care of yourself ?

    1. Haha, I wish he could, but whenever I’ve approached him about guest posting, he shies away because he says he can’t write very well. He just needs the proper support, I guess, which I try to give him.

      1. If he can write half as well as he played French horn, he will be just fine ?
        I played with him in Cadet and Youth orchestra growing up. I never knew him to shy away from a stage!

        1. Lol, he’s not as comfortable in his writing skills as in his music skills!? You should tell him you’d like to see him guest post! That might motivate him if he thinks other people would want to read it!

  4. Oh luv ?I honestly hurt for you. I felt as though I was reading my own thoughts and feelings. I know it doesn’t change anything but you’re not alone. I’m here anytime & would love to talk.

  5. Oh luv ?I honestly hurt for you. I felt as though I was reading my own thoughts and feelings. I know it doesn’t change anything but you’re not alone. I’m here anytime & would love to talk.

    1. I should keep away from stimulants because of my POTS (the T stands for tachycardia), meaning, my heart rate already goes too high from simple activities (like brushing my teeth). The stimulants would probably make it worse. ?

      1. I have POTS as well. 🙂 Many POTS patients take stimulants. Some cannot tolerate the increase in heart rate from stimulants while others find it to be a worthwhile tradeoff. I don’t tolerate caffeine well, but Adderall has been helpful to me.

  6. I felt (and feel) the same way. I had lost all that I was- no longer was I the Sara who wrote, or the Sara who ran, or the Sara who made jewelry, or the Sara who was cheerful, or the Sara who had advice, or the Sara everyone depended on. Who was I anymore? Why was I completely losing my identity?! Yes, I had my faith, as an anchor to know who I was, but yet I had lost all of who *I* was. And yet… while this doesn’t make things feel much better, or answer all my and your questions, I started to realize… was it so bad that I had lost myself? I thought of Galatians 2:20, where it talks about being ‘crucified with Christ, I no longer live, but Christ lives in me’. It was Christ that mattered, and my identity in Him that mattered, not me so much… idk! Just my random thoughts. 🙂 I don’t know if they are comforting, but I’m so so sorry you have to experience this too. 🙁 🙁

    1. Thanks, Sara. I’m trying to mentally approach it from the perspective of, how bad is it that I’m not who I was anymore? And you’re right, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I just wish I knew who I was supposed to be now. Jesus is my everything, and I know I must be patient as I await His plan for me, but right now I just have nothing. I want to serve Him more than anything, but I don’t know how.?

      1. Yes. I couldn’t have said it better. 🙁 I don’t know the answer. I wish I did. 🙁 Let me know if you ever figure it out. 🙂

  7. Just know your not alone ? I wrote a blog post yesterday about feeling the same ? ? I read your post. It helps so much reading your post. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind. And when I read things that are similar to what I’m going through it helps bring me back to life. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here.

  8. I’m so sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone. This post could have been about me. Everything you wrote………………..I was just diagnosed within the last 6 months. I was diagnosed with everything else first……………….But, Dysautonomia makes so much sense about everything that’s going on or not going on in this very sick body. I don’t understand why none of these doctor’s couldn’t figure this out a long time ago. I’m still trying to digest it all and I’m still learning about this terrible disease. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I feel exactly as you wrote. Keep writing, girl! You still got it.:)

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