Missing Pieces

Missing Pieces

I wonder what it’s going to be like to feel better. That is, totally and completely better. What does it feel like to not have a headache every second of every day? I can’t recall. Or to have energy, where I don’t have to fight with myself and give myself a pep talk just to do something as simple as shower? I go back to work in three weeks. Will my body be ready by then to jump right back in to the hell of full time? It’s going to have to be, because I don’t have any other options. There’s no rest for the weary at my workplace, and I won’t get sympathy from anyone, despite the fact that I’m still recovering.

What will I be able to do with myself once I feel better? The options are daunting, yet exhilarating. I’m getting better, don’t get me wrong. But there are still some missing pieces that need to fall into place.

Nurse kitties Nala and Casper

The thing bothering me most right now is this daily, persistent, 24/7 headache that has the propensity to turn into a migraine at any moment, given the right stimuli. It’s actually why I’m awake right now, despite taking my sleep meds at midnight with the intention of being in bed by now. (It’s also probably why I slept for nearly 16 hours the other day and 11 hours yesterday…) But my head hurts too much to sleep right now, so I’m waiting for some pain meds to kick in to let me sleep. Lying down makes my head feel like it’s about to explode.?

Other people who have had their pituitary tumors removed have said the headache can persist for weeks to months to forever. I hope mine goes away soon, because it’s the main thing keeping me from enjoying life.

What could I do without this headache? Oh, to dream…

  • I could clean my house. Pretty much any even remotely strenuous task sets it off nowadays. I have yet to attempt to vacuum since my restrictions were lifted. Maybe I can do that today and see what happens.
  • I could wake up without needing Percocet for breakfast.
  • All those projects we were supposed to be doing this year? Such as painting and re-carpeting the front bedroom to prepare for a hopeful future family someday. Although I don’t even know if we could afford carpet right now…
  • Run errands without having to worry about loud noises or heavy traffic or crowds setting me off. (What would I do without Amazon?)
  • Be able to enjoy sunny days without having to worry about the bright light launching me into a migraine. (Another reason we should just move to the ?? or ??.)

And then there’s this fatigue. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I don’t know whether it’s compounded by the headache or not. But it’s truly unbelievable how exhausted I am. Sometimes I even struggle to get through a shower. Maybe it’s just because my overall sleep quality is pitiful? But what if I were less fatigued?

  • I wouldn’t need as much sleep, so I’d have more time to get things done!
  • Same as with the absence (or at least lessening) of the headache, I could clean my house. I never got a chance to do a spring cleaning because of how sick I’ve been all year.
  • David and I could go see a movie! This one would actually fit in the headache category, too. I’ll never forgive myself for not being well enough to see Captain America: Civil War in theaters. (I ❤️ Bucky and I’m #TeamCap all the way!) We’d better be able to see Doctor Strange next month!
  • Might I actually make the effort to get dressed even if I’m not leaving the house? I’ve literally lived in pajamas for the past four months (and in reality, most of the year with all the time I had off work prior to that.)

I do still have some lingering pelvic pain in the same area as before from my surgery in July. It could mean it’s still healing. Perhaps my ovary is rubbing against the incision in the ligament. Or it could just be mild effects of adenomyosis acting up. The pain doesn’t really limit me in any way, as it’s far better than it has been for the past year, it’s just annoying. Maybe it will eventually go away.

For these reasons, I look forward to the future, if indeed these headaches go away and the fatigue lessens. If they don’t…I’m not sure how I’ll make life work, but I’ll have to somehow. Once I go back to work, I’m expected to be 100% as if nothing ever happened. Such is life. But I’m hopeful that I can do it. And that these few remaining issues are just the last of the missing pieces I need to put my health back together.


0 thoughts on “Missing Pieces

  1. Ugh I’m so so sorry that you’re feeling this way! 🙁 I have lived with chronic daily headaches for the past few years now, so I know what it feels like to have a headache 24/7–it sucks. I always am thinking about what I could be doing if I didn’t have a constant headache. So I truly hope that you feel better! Wishing you all good thoughts and well wishes!

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