Why?

Why?

As yet another month of 2016 begins and the summer ebbs on, I am left to reflect. Sorry, it’s just something I do late at night, and it’s late at night here in northeast Ohio. Or actually, really early in the morning.

My previous post July-A Month in Review was a reflection on all the happenings of the month of July, as it was quite an eventful month. Deciding to have brain surgery, then having a different surgery a few days later, going on leave from work…many things happened. But that’s nothing compared to the year I’ve had.

I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my Savior and my God. I believe He died upon the cross for my sins and rose again and was taken up to heaven where He sits at the right hand of the Father. I believe He is a good, gracious God who wants nothing but joy and love and wonderful things for His children.

So why has He allowed this year to be a living hell?

  • I suffered from migraines so intense I missed weeks of work.
  • I discovered I am infertile and traditional fertility medications like Clomid don’t work.
  • I suffered from four ovarian cysts (Eenie, Meenie, Mynie, and Moe) thanks to the Clomid.
  • I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and self-harmed.
  • I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor.
  • The medications used to shrink the brain tumor (which I call Mini because it’s only 6 mm across) were intolerable and made me miss even more weeks of work.
  • Between the headaches from Mini and my pelvic pain, which I suspected had something to do with my endometriosis, I suffered from chronic pain so intense I had to be put on MSContin (extended release morphine) three times a day plus 8-12 oxycodone per day for breakthrough. And there was a LOT of breakthrough. I was taking more pain medication a day than someone my size should be able to tolerate but I was able to function without batting an eyelash. Because THAT is how bad my pain was.
  • Due to symptoms from my brain tumor, I am unable to work and am on short-term disability because my FMLA has run out. This also means I only get 60% pay at a time when we need money the most.
  • Because of not being able to tolerate the medications for the brain tumor, we decided I will be having brain surgery on September 8th.
  • I had surgery a few weeks ago to remove what we thought were adhesions resulting from my surgery in 2014. It turns out I had a broad ligament hernia, a very rare type of hernia that was strangling my bowel and causing it to make my right ovary twist, both of which are very painful things and are both medical emergencies in and of themselves. But I had been dealing with the pain caused by this since last summer. Does the chronic pain make sense now?
  • I have been showing signs and symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis since the beginning of May and see a rheumatologist on September 1st.

However, since my surgery a few weeks ago, I have been tapering off the MSContin and am using less oxycodone as time goes on. I’m still having some incisional pain but my pelvic pain is gone. The problems I suffer from now are related to the brain tumor- dizziness, vertigo, and the occasional headache.

And I have to ask: why? I was diagnosed with celiac disease in 2012, had knee surgery in 2013, was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2014, and started dealing with infertility and the pelvic pain from the hernia in 2015. Why? Why did 2016 have to be so crappy too? Can’t I just have a year where nothing bad happens?

Where my health is stable?

Where I’m not pushed past my breaking point physically, emotionally, and psychologically?

Where I can be healthy and have my first baby, as all my friends move onto their second and third pregnancies?

Where I can be a dependable worker?

Where I can feel whole?

Why God?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”                                              Isaiah 55:8-9

I know, God, but…

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'”                                                              Jeremiah 29:11-13

But when, Lord?

“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.                                                                                             2 Peter 3:8-9

Sigh. Ok, Lord. I’ll wait.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”                                                             Matthew 7:7-8

But I will keep asking, just as You say!

Thanks to everyone who is on this journey of waiting with me, supporting me and praying for me. You’re the best. Except Jesus. He’s the bestest. He is God of the universe, after all.

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